Announcement!!!

I would like to announce that I have a new site up and running and that I will no longer be using this site as my blog.  If you have subscribed please go to my new page www.AMarineAndHIV.com and resubscribe.

I felt that it is time to take this to the next level in the hopes of reaching more people.  The new site is still a work in progress so please bear with me as I am still learning how to use the new software.

I would like to thank everyone who has followed me along this journey and I hope to see you at my new site as the journey still has a long way to go.

Thank you,
Brian

You've Got This!

I do not normally do a blog entry about certain orginizations in the HIV/AIDS community because there are just so many out there that I feel like are doing so much good, weither it be education prevention, erasing stigmas, or like Healthline by showing us we are not alone in one of our greatest times of need.

Finding out that you have been infected with HIV can seem like the end of the world for many who do not know where to turn. Trust me I was one of those who felt lost and confused.

Well Healthline has a new campaign called "You've Got This" that is so inspiring and encouraging not just for someone like me who has been positive for awhile but also for those who are newly diagnoised with HIV.  

I really wish I could of found something that offers this much hope when I was newly diagnosed, been able to watch videos submitted by real people just like me who knew what I was going though and had words of wisdom to share.

Even watching the videos now, I am in awww and so inspired.   I have actually been inspired enought to work on my own video for their "You've Got This" campaign.  I encourage everyone to please visit their website and take the time to browse through the videos and show your support for this great cause.




http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/youve-got-this?toptoctest=expand

Stay in bed for a week...

Last Wed I took off to go help a friend of mine move up in the mountains.   I was not intending to stay a week but that is what I ended up doing.  She was buying a new home so I decided to be a good best friend and go help her some.  Well I did not know that would include her wanting to work till all hours of the night.  I understand she works till like 2am usually but that does not mean the rest of us do.  I did it and pushed through it even though my body is feeling warn out.

It has not even been two weeks since I have started my meds and my body is still adjustingto them.  I am still having some nausea but not nearly as bad and still having problems with foods upsetting my stomach.  Also now with my body fighting exta hard because of the new meds I can go for so long till I must stop and rest for a bit.  I really hope
these side effects end soon.  I am getting tired of staying in the bathroom and it is getting embarrassing.

On a positive note (no pun intended)  I have a check up with my Dr this Friday and along with the pharmacist who works in the clink.  They are going to be drawing more labs (the story of my damn life) to see if the meds are doing their job.  I hate to see how much blood those vampires are going to drain out of me this time, but I guess it is all for the best.

I am still not comfortable with having to take the pill but I try not to think about it.

Right now my body is exhausted but I can not seem to want to go to sleep because I have been up so late every night for the past week.  I believe the earliest I have gone to bed was 1:30am and the latest was some time after 5am, so now I am not tired...

It's Finally Time...

I promised that I would do an update and let everyone know what was gping on when I was ready so here it is...

My ID Dr at the VA called me on Sept 4 and told me that it was nothing to worry about but my numbers had dropped and he thought it was time for me to start meds.  I asked him what they were so he told me that my CD4 had dropped to 363 and my viral load had gone up to 44,000.  Well this really had me freaking out ALOT and I was a total mess not really knowing what to do, that was till I got a call from the pharmacist in the clinic to confirm my information to mail me the perscription.  I asked the pharmacists to please look up my labs just hoping that there had been some kind of mistake, and just my luck there had been.  My viral load had gone up to 44,000 by my CD4 was not 363, instead it was 636.  My Dr must be dyslexic or something.  It was alittle relief to me that it had actually not dropped as much as my Dr had originally told me but I was still nervous and a reck about starting meds. The call from the pharmacist was on Friday Sept 6th.

The next week I spent anxiously awaiting for the mail everyday to see if my new meds had arrived, while really praying each day that they had not.  Well they did not show up till this past Friday the 13th.  I guess it is fitting that something I was dreading and scared of showed up on Friday the 13th...  Luckly when I got them I was on my way out for the evening so I really did not have alot of time to sit and just think about it which really did me well.

Now when it came time to acrually taking the pill that is a different story.  I had been talking to a friend I had met when I was first diagnosed back in 2010.  He was returning to NMC Balboa for his yearly evaluations and he was the first mentor type person I had,  he was giving me some advice on what may be a good way to take it so I don't get too worked up about it.  He said to start a movie and then just reach over and take it once you get into the movie, that way you are not really thinking about it too much.  He also suggested maybe taking it with somebody that way I am not alone if I get too upset.  He was right in saying that it could be a hard time for some people.  About half way through the movie I decided to just go ahead and do it.

It wasnot as climatic as I had worked myself up for but what was I really thinking was going to happen lol.  I will say I did not get much sleep that night because I had worked myself up so much that I was not tired, that was a mistake because that left me awake all nightto just think.  As my friend said "it may feel like you are loosing because you are having to start meds, but think of it as winning because you will soon be undetectable," he was right again, for me for some reason it did feel like apart of me was loosing, but I had to put that thought behind me and think of for the best.

Well I have now taken it for 3 nights now and the only complaint I have so far is the constant nausea I have had and the constant feeling of tiredness.   I hope these shale pass soon and they told me they should.  I will say I was hoping for some of the crazy dreams everyone says they had with Atripla but I guess with Stribild you don't get those.

Here is to the rest of my life...

Support Systems

You know for most of us our family and closest friends are our main support system when faced with HIV.  Well what do you do when you know your family wants to support you but they just don't understand and do not know how?  You see, in my family everyone knows my status but it is one of those thing we don't talk about and I know it makes them uncomfortable to talk about it so I choose to not bring it up.  I know they want to be there for me but they just don't understand what I am really going through so I am faced with dealing with tnis pretty much alone.  That is one reason I keep this blog because it gives me a source to talk about my status openly.

Please don't get me wrong I love that my family want to help and I appreciate everything they have done for me, it is just they truely do not understand.

I don't believe many actually understand what it is like to live with HIV and what all we are going through, that is until they are directly effected by it.  Yes there are many out there that support but I don't think they umderstand deep down.  It is just like with anyone facing any ailment, we can be there for them but we do not really understand what they are going through until we are put in their shoes.

I find for me the most supportive are those I have meet along this journey who are also traveling down the same path I am.  And for me there are not many of those who I feel like I can truely relate to and understand, and there are even few of them now that I am back in NC.  I left the best support system in Cali when I was discharged.

I think that is all for the night...
Well I would also like to know if I snould keep posting poems.  What do y'all think?

News on the way...

I know I have been lax about doing a new blog post.  I have just had some stuff going on and I promise I will let everyone know when the time is right for me, which I hope to have everything settled in the next few days.  This is a big thing for me so I just need some time.

Oh a plus note I did get the results back from my last liver test and thwy have gone back to pretty much normal levels.  The doc said they are the best they have looked in years.  So I guess this changing diet and loosing weight was all I really needed on that end.

So I am asking for everyone to please be patient with me and bear with me through this.

I will do one more post tonight and then it might be a few days till I am ready to do anotherone.

Why I was afraid of Pride...

So this weekend was Pride here in Charlotte.  I was so excited about it this year because this is the first year they were to have a parade since like 1994.  I really wanted to go but the more I thought about it the more I feared going.  You see Charlotte does not have a very big gay community so most of us can recognize eachother when we see others out in public.  Usually we probably do not know each other but have seen each other on certain websites which I choose not to name.

 Well when you have HIV and are part of such a small community, places like Pride can be a scarry place.  I was scared that I would be recognized from my profiles on said sites and that I would be black sheeped.  People in the south are still scared of others with HIV and I really did not want to face that alone.  I did not want people to recognize me because of my status that I am honest with on all the sites I am a member of.  I just do not think I could face that alone.  Maybe if I had others who I could of been with and who I could relate to , than maybe it would of been easier and I could of gone.

It is hard enough to be part of such a small community but to have HIV singles you out and makes you part of a smaller group in a small community.  I could not walk those street of Pride alone.

This goes back to a post I did earlier about not being able to find a support group.   Having a support group would of made today so much easier.

Fears of the reaction of others knowing my status should never be a issue but the stigmas that HIV gay men still face in the south even from their own community are horriable. Some people are even afraid to carry on a conversation with a man who has HIV, some will not even talk to you on the computer.  Even more guys think that just because someone is HIV positive than that must mean they are just a dirty slut who will sleep with anyone and thet they must not care about themselves.

It is because of these stigmas I was afraid to face Pride alone.  Maybe by next year things will change and I will not have to choose to either face it alone or just not go.  Well at least I can hope they will be.

I should not be affraid to be seen in the gay community because of my status, but intill these stigmas get tossed out it is just better off that I not stand out alone.