Announcement!!!

I would like to announce that I have a new site up and running and that I will no longer be using this site as my blog.  If you have subscribed please go to my new page www.AMarineAndHIV.com and resubscribe.

I felt that it is time to take this to the next level in the hopes of reaching more people.  The new site is still a work in progress so please bear with me as I am still learning how to use the new software.

I would like to thank everyone who has followed me along this journey and I hope to see you at my new site as the journey still has a long way to go.

Thank you,
Brian

You've Got This!

I do not normally do a blog entry about certain orginizations in the HIV/AIDS community because there are just so many out there that I feel like are doing so much good, weither it be education prevention, erasing stigmas, or like Healthline by showing us we are not alone in one of our greatest times of need.

Finding out that you have been infected with HIV can seem like the end of the world for many who do not know where to turn. Trust me I was one of those who felt lost and confused.

Well Healthline has a new campaign called "You've Got This" that is so inspiring and encouraging not just for someone like me who has been positive for awhile but also for those who are newly diagnoised with HIV.  

I really wish I could of found something that offers this much hope when I was newly diagnosed, been able to watch videos submitted by real people just like me who knew what I was going though and had words of wisdom to share.

Even watching the videos now, I am in awww and so inspired.   I have actually been inspired enought to work on my own video for their "You've Got This" campaign.  I encourage everyone to please visit their website and take the time to browse through the videos and show your support for this great cause.




http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/youve-got-this?toptoctest=expand

Stay in bed for a week...

Last Wed I took off to go help a friend of mine move up in the mountains.   I was not intending to stay a week but that is what I ended up doing.  She was buying a new home so I decided to be a good best friend and go help her some.  Well I did not know that would include her wanting to work till all hours of the night.  I understand she works till like 2am usually but that does not mean the rest of us do.  I did it and pushed through it even though my body is feeling warn out.

It has not even been two weeks since I have started my meds and my body is still adjustingto them.  I am still having some nausea but not nearly as bad and still having problems with foods upsetting my stomach.  Also now with my body fighting exta hard because of the new meds I can go for so long till I must stop and rest for a bit.  I really hope
these side effects end soon.  I am getting tired of staying in the bathroom and it is getting embarrassing.

On a positive note (no pun intended)  I have a check up with my Dr this Friday and along with the pharmacist who works in the clink.  They are going to be drawing more labs (the story of my damn life) to see if the meds are doing their job.  I hate to see how much blood those vampires are going to drain out of me this time, but I guess it is all for the best.

I am still not comfortable with having to take the pill but I try not to think about it.

Right now my body is exhausted but I can not seem to want to go to sleep because I have been up so late every night for the past week.  I believe the earliest I have gone to bed was 1:30am and the latest was some time after 5am, so now I am not tired...

It's Finally Time...

I promised that I would do an update and let everyone know what was gping on when I was ready so here it is...

My ID Dr at the VA called me on Sept 4 and told me that it was nothing to worry about but my numbers had dropped and he thought it was time for me to start meds.  I asked him what they were so he told me that my CD4 had dropped to 363 and my viral load had gone up to 44,000.  Well this really had me freaking out ALOT and I was a total mess not really knowing what to do, that was till I got a call from the pharmacist in the clinic to confirm my information to mail me the perscription.  I asked the pharmacists to please look up my labs just hoping that there had been some kind of mistake, and just my luck there had been.  My viral load had gone up to 44,000 by my CD4 was not 363, instead it was 636.  My Dr must be dyslexic or something.  It was alittle relief to me that it had actually not dropped as much as my Dr had originally told me but I was still nervous and a reck about starting meds. The call from the pharmacist was on Friday Sept 6th.

The next week I spent anxiously awaiting for the mail everyday to see if my new meds had arrived, while really praying each day that they had not.  Well they did not show up till this past Friday the 13th.  I guess it is fitting that something I was dreading and scared of showed up on Friday the 13th...  Luckly when I got them I was on my way out for the evening so I really did not have alot of time to sit and just think about it which really did me well.

Now when it came time to acrually taking the pill that is a different story.  I had been talking to a friend I had met when I was first diagnosed back in 2010.  He was returning to NMC Balboa for his yearly evaluations and he was the first mentor type person I had,  he was giving me some advice on what may be a good way to take it so I don't get too worked up about it.  He said to start a movie and then just reach over and take it once you get into the movie, that way you are not really thinking about it too much.  He also suggested maybe taking it with somebody that way I am not alone if I get too upset.  He was right in saying that it could be a hard time for some people.  About half way through the movie I decided to just go ahead and do it.

It wasnot as climatic as I had worked myself up for but what was I really thinking was going to happen lol.  I will say I did not get much sleep that night because I had worked myself up so much that I was not tired, that was a mistake because that left me awake all nightto just think.  As my friend said "it may feel like you are loosing because you are having to start meds, but think of it as winning because you will soon be undetectable," he was right again, for me for some reason it did feel like apart of me was loosing, but I had to put that thought behind me and think of for the best.

Well I have now taken it for 3 nights now and the only complaint I have so far is the constant nausea I have had and the constant feeling of tiredness.   I hope these shale pass soon and they told me they should.  I will say I was hoping for some of the crazy dreams everyone says they had with Atripla but I guess with Stribild you don't get those.

Here is to the rest of my life...

Support Systems

You know for most of us our family and closest friends are our main support system when faced with HIV.  Well what do you do when you know your family wants to support you but they just don't understand and do not know how?  You see, in my family everyone knows my status but it is one of those thing we don't talk about and I know it makes them uncomfortable to talk about it so I choose to not bring it up.  I know they want to be there for me but they just don't understand what I am really going through so I am faced with dealing with tnis pretty much alone.  That is one reason I keep this blog because it gives me a source to talk about my status openly.

Please don't get me wrong I love that my family want to help and I appreciate everything they have done for me, it is just they truely do not understand.

I don't believe many actually understand what it is like to live with HIV and what all we are going through, that is until they are directly effected by it.  Yes there are many out there that support but I don't think they umderstand deep down.  It is just like with anyone facing any ailment, we can be there for them but we do not really understand what they are going through until we are put in their shoes.

I find for me the most supportive are those I have meet along this journey who are also traveling down the same path I am.  And for me there are not many of those who I feel like I can truely relate to and understand, and there are even few of them now that I am back in NC.  I left the best support system in Cali when I was discharged.

I think that is all for the night...
Well I would also like to know if I snould keep posting poems.  What do y'all think?

News on the way...

I know I have been lax about doing a new blog post.  I have just had some stuff going on and I promise I will let everyone know when the time is right for me, which I hope to have everything settled in the next few days.  This is a big thing for me so I just need some time.

Oh a plus note I did get the results back from my last liver test and thwy have gone back to pretty much normal levels.  The doc said they are the best they have looked in years.  So I guess this changing diet and loosing weight was all I really needed on that end.

So I am asking for everyone to please be patient with me and bear with me through this.

I will do one more post tonight and then it might be a few days till I am ready to do anotherone.

Why I was afraid of Pride...

So this weekend was Pride here in Charlotte.  I was so excited about it this year because this is the first year they were to have a parade since like 1994.  I really wanted to go but the more I thought about it the more I feared going.  You see Charlotte does not have a very big gay community so most of us can recognize eachother when we see others out in public.  Usually we probably do not know each other but have seen each other on certain websites which I choose not to name.

 Well when you have HIV and are part of such a small community, places like Pride can be a scarry place.  I was scared that I would be recognized from my profiles on said sites and that I would be black sheeped.  People in the south are still scared of others with HIV and I really did not want to face that alone.  I did not want people to recognize me because of my status that I am honest with on all the sites I am a member of.  I just do not think I could face that alone.  Maybe if I had others who I could of been with and who I could relate to , than maybe it would of been easier and I could of gone.

It is hard enough to be part of such a small community but to have HIV singles you out and makes you part of a smaller group in a small community.  I could not walk those street of Pride alone.

This goes back to a post I did earlier about not being able to find a support group.   Having a support group would of made today so much easier.

Fears of the reaction of others knowing my status should never be a issue but the stigmas that HIV gay men still face in the south even from their own community are horriable. Some people are even afraid to carry on a conversation with a man who has HIV, some will not even talk to you on the computer.  Even more guys think that just because someone is HIV positive than that must mean they are just a dirty slut who will sleep with anyone and thet they must not care about themselves.

It is because of these stigmas I was afraid to face Pride alone.  Maybe by next year things will change and I will not have to choose to either face it alone or just not go.  Well at least I can hope they will be.

I should not be affraid to be seen in the gay community because of my status, but intill these stigmas get tossed out it is just better off that I not stand out alone.

"All in my head"

This poem is not about HIV, but instead the deep depression I sunk into not long after I was diagnoised.  I appologize now if all my poems seem dark but I write from my heart and I cant tell it what to feel.

"All in my Head"
By: Brian L

I write from my soul,
Of a life seen through my eyes.
These trials have taken a toll,
But they are my own cries.

Cries out about a past,
Or a unseen future yet to be.
How life seems to pass so fast,
Open your eyes and you will see.

See a life that was torn apart,
As it tried to start anew.
Filling this hole in my heart,
All the while as the pain grew.

Grew into someone I did not know,
And hated to be around.
I had changed and it started to show,
I felt like I was bound.

Bound to a life that was not my own,
A stranger in my own mind.
Always feeling like I was alone.
And that I was truly blind.

Blind to the love I could not feel.
Numb to the pain inside.
None of the world seemed so real,
It felt as if I had died.

Died and gone to a unknown place,
A place where time stood still.
Where all had fallen from grace.
But I had to learn to deal.

Deal with the the reality,
For I was not yet dead.
Faced with my own mortality,
I had to realize it was all in my head.

"The Face"

I wrote this poem mostly for a little closure for myself, because I can not remember who it was that I contracted this disease from.  I have spend a lot of time thinking about it and all that I ever accomplish is feeling more depressed. So here is to closure.


"The Face"
By: Brian L

The nameless face in my mind,
Haunting me for the rest of time.
A face I have come to dread,
The last I will see before I'm dead.

The face that took so much away,
Caused my sanity to sway.
Caused me so much more than pain,
I live my life shrouded in shame.

The face that looked so sincere,
Has filled me with nothing but fear.
Has filled me with doubt and distrust,
And for you nothing but disgust.

The face gave me something in return,
Something that has made my insides churn.
Something that I will die with,
And without me it can not live.

The face I remeber but not who you were,
Just one night that seems a blur.
Just one night is all it took,
And you stole my health like a crook.

The face is not all to blame,
Part of this story is mine to claim.
Part of this I did to myself,
And that is bad enough in itself.

The face was lying the whole time,
Told me that I would be fine.
Told me to just trust in him
So I went out on a limb.

The face did not tell me he was ailing,
And that his immun system was failing.
And that there is no cure,
Now with HIV I must endure.

Appointment today

As you know I had my 3 month routine appointment today.  Talked to the Dr again about going ahead and starting meds.  I had finally gotten myself ready to start taking meds and and worked myself up to it.  Well he wants to wait a bit longer, wants to see if my liver enzymes continue to drop and show improvement.  He said today that they are dropping and they have not been this low since Dec 2011. At least this is a good sign.

He took more labs today and when they all come back he is going to give me a call and if they have gone down he is going to go ahead and call in the meds and have them mailed to me. So possible by the end of the month I will be on Stribild.

Has anyone been on this and had any side effects from it?

"For You See"

This is a poem I have been working on for the past few days.  Please let me know what you think.  I was also thinking of making another tab at the top that would be all my poems.  Tell me if you like that idea.

"For You See"
By: Brian L.

I have a voice.
That wants to yell "GOD, WHY ME?"
"How could You let this be?"
"Why did this happen to me?"
For you see I have HIV!

I am not to be scared of.
Because trust in me,
I am more afraid of myself than you could be.
More afraid of this virus that craws through me,
Afraid for the life that may never be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not just a disease.
I will not let this virus control me,
Or think about what could be.
Yes HIV is apart of me,
But I am trying to be the best I can be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not alone.
An Army stands beside me,
Together we fight so it will not be.
That more people get infected just like me,
So this epidemic will no longer be.
For you see I have HIV!

I will raise my voice.
Together with you and me,
We can make this virus cease to be.
HIV can end with me,
So everyone can live the life that's meant to be.
For you see I have HIV...But HIV don't have me!

A Personal Experience of HIV Stigmas

I want to share this story to show that people with HIV experience all kinds of stigmas and fears aginst them, and sometimes the ones doing it are the ones who you expect to be yoursupport group.  Fear can over come even those the closest to us because they are ignorant about what HIV really is.

So about a year after my diagnosis I came home for the first time.  At this point my family already knew about my status and were trying to be as supportive as they could from accross the country.  Well at first I did not notice it but it soon became clear that my own family was afraid to be around me.  I started noticing little things like my mother would hand wash all the dishes I used because she did not trust the dishwasher to get them clean.  I then noticed that I had not seen my sister use our shared bathroom even once since I got home.  She was using our parents bathroom for everything.  I said something to my mom about it and mom told me she was uncomfortible using the same bathroom that I used.  You want to talk about crushed.  I was unwelcomed in my own home.

After noticing all this I no longer wished to remain in a home where my own family was afraid of me.  I tried the next day to get an earlier flight back to San Diego but my mom said I was only causing a scene and would only make matters worse, but really why would I want to stay where I am not wanted.  I did stay for the rest of my trip but I was heartbroken the whole time and could not wait to get away.

When I returned I went to the clinic and picked up as much info and pamplets about HIV and how you can and can not catch it.  I put it all in a package with a letter that just said "please read if you want me to come back", and mailed it to my family.

Things have gotten better since then but this is just one of the many things that is always in the back of my mind.

I share this so others see how important HIV education is so we can stop these stigmas and fears.  It is never a good feeling to be feared by your own family.

VA Rant & VA appointment

If you didnt know already I am disabled by the Military due to multiple medical reasons not just my HIV.  Well bing disabled means I get a disability check every month from the VA, it isnt much but I have been depending on it each month to live off of.   Well I did not get my check this month because some smart ass with the VA over paid me last semester on my GI Bill and now they are taking it all back at one time.  I dont mind paying money back but damn at least tell me you are going to take my whole damn check.

Also wanted to say that I have passed 2 of the 4 kidney stones so far.  Not in anymore pain so that is all I am worried about.

Going back to the ID doc at the VA tomorrow morning for my 3 month check up.  I think thisis it, I think I am finally going to make the plunge and start meds.  Still alittle nervous about it but I know I have to start sometime and I have been putting it off long enough.  Not sure if I am ready to commit to sometning for the rest of my life, hell I have a hard time commiting to a dinner date.

Wish me luck. I will let y'all know how things go tomorrow.

Kidney Stones

It all started this past Sunday when I was waking up.  My back felt like it had a really bad catch in it.  At first I did not think much about it, I figured I had either slept on it wrong or moved wrong the day before.  While eatting breakfast the pain started to get more intense and was moving.  I knew then that something else was wrong.  I was pretty sure I knew what it was but never having one before I was not certain.  All I knew is I had never been in this much pain in my life.

After about 2 hours of pacing the house because I was in so much pain , I got my mom to drive me to the closest VA Emergency Room.  That hour and a half car ride was true hell.  The pain had made me sick to my stomach a few times which then reaulted in violent dry heaving that made it all hurt worse.

Finally got to the ER and only had to wait about 20 min till thwy took me back.  They did a CT scan which confirmed I was right and that I did have a stone.  There was not much they said they could do so they sent me home with some meds that would make it easier to pass.

Well to make a long story short, I have not felt like doing anything since this past Sunday.  In the ER they told me to contact my Primary Care Dr if it was still hurting in 48 hours.  I called them yesterday and told them I was still having pain and it felt like anotherone was moving.  The nurse pulled up the CT scan and said that was a possibility because it showed I had a few of them.  They then told me I needed to go back to the ER because there was nothing they could do for me at primary care.  *God I hate getting the run around with the VA but it seems to be normal practice to them.

Decided not to go today because I thought I had passed one or passed something that got cought in the little strainer they are making me pee in.  But the pain has started back in my back where it started on Sunday so I guess I will go tomorrow.  At least to get some more pain meds.

They say people get these usually from eating too much animal product, well if that is the case I should never get one. Only animal products I eat are cheese and eggs.  Also said dark cokes could cause them or high salt intake.

I have been drinking so much fluids that I feel like I am floating.  Everyone keeps telling me to drink a beer to help clean out my kidneys but I cant do that with the meds I am on so I have to settle for green tea and lots of water.

I hope it gets better before tomorrow so I dont have to go back to the ER and I dont know how much more time I can spend in the bed.

Support Groups (rant)

Why does it seem so damn hard to find a support group in my area?  I have e-mailed multiple organizations in my area asking for information about support groups that according to their websites they offer and have not had a single response from any of them.    Oh I take that back... I recieved an auto reply back from one organization saying that someone will be in contact with me within the next 24 hours, and guess what.  Yep you are right I never heard from them.

I know in other cities have awesome support groups, so why is it so hard to find one in my city?  I have had the privledge of meeting quit a few HIV + men in my area but I have not had a chance to go to a group since I left California.   I think support groups are a vital and important part of HIV treatment.  It gives us a chance not only to talk about issues in a place where we are less likely to be judged, but it is also a great way to find out about new treatments and care.

Sorry felt like having a rant tonight.

If anyone has any info about who I could e-mail about finding a group in Charlotte please let me know.

At the Hospital...

Before any of you start to worry I was not there for me, I had to take my Nana in today to have a heart cath done.  But while sitting there all day I came to realize two things...

1) Seeing all thos folks in there for all sorts of problems and most in a worse state both physically and mentally than I am made me appreciate the fact that while I am living with this disease but it could be a lot worse.  I am lucky to be doing so good and really am thankful for that, especially after seeing so many who are suffering so bad.  It helped to show me again that this is a disease that yes I have but I can still live a long healthy life.

2) I also noticed today that my fear of germs has gotten a lot worse after my diagnosis.  I know I am over reacting but a part of me cant help it.  I did not want to touch anything, I washed my hands or used hand sanatizer every time I passed one, I also tried to stay clear of as many people as I could especially the staff.  I always have the fear in the back of my mind that I can not chance getting sick because I do not know what kind of havoc it will cause on my body.

These are the two things I noticed today.  I have to go back tomorrow because my Nana is having some more test done.  I am seriously looking into seeing if the hospital has an infectious disease wing and just seeing if I can walk through it.  I know it sounds bad but I think it could really do me good.  Who knows, I might find someone who is interesting to talk to in the halls, someone who might just have something to teach me or me teach them.

Well tonights blog is shot because I am beyond tired.  So rest easy my friends and I will let y'all know how tomorrow goes.

How have I been...

I have been doing a lot of advice post recently and I really enjoy them but I think now is a great time to do more of a personal blog.

I want to start out by saying thank you to all who have reached out and shown your support for what I am trying to accomplish here, and for voicing concerns about how I have been holding up.

Now let me be honest with you...  I have had my share of good days and bad days and that is to be expected.  Some days I get up and I am ready to take on the world, while other days it is hard to find the strength to get up at all.  For the most part I am doing alright given my situation.

As some of you may already know I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder not long after finding out I was HIV positive.  Yes I do believe finding out I HIV positive contributed to this.  Just like with the HIV I do not let these other problem control me or how I live my life.  I am on medication and seeing a councelor to help keep everything in check so nothing to worry about.

If I post a blog that is kind of depressing or down, it is not because I am always depressed.  Most of the time it is as simple as I had something on my mind and I wanted to share it.

So to sum it up and answer the inital question.
     Mentally I am doing alright. Actually I am doing better than I have in a long time but I still have my moments where I want to throw a pitty party for myself and that only last a short while. I get up, pull my big boy pants up and try to do something constructive.
     Physically I am back in the gym and have dropped close to 30lbs since I started a vegitarian diet.  I feel great on it.  My joints are starting to ache on a regular basis and I know that could be caused from the virus making them swell and I have plans on talking to my ID Doctor about it at my next appointment.

So see nothing to worry about, I will continue to be strong and push forward.

When is the right time?

*Sorry about all the post today just had some things I wanted to get out there.

When is it the right time to tell someone about your HIV status?

This goes alittle into my previous post about being honest about you HIV status but I just wanted to expand on it a bit more.  Now you already know my opinion on the matter on it, but here are some other ways I believe might work the best.

You have have to decide for you what works best for you and the situation you are in.

First things first PLEASE makesure that you tell your potential partner before anything serious happens.  It is just not worth risking the legal ramifications that it could lead to, or or risk hurting someone else.

So if you are talking to a guy online, why dont you just open up and tell him then.  I find this easier than meeting in public or at their place and then risking those really awkward moments or even embarrassment.  If you tell them online and they dont want anything to do with you than you dont need them in your life to start with.

If you meet a guy at the club and you think things might have a chance of getting serious, pull him aside before it is time to leave and tell him.  This gives him a chance to allow the news to sink in, and for him to make his own decision.

Which ever way you choose to do it, remember it is their right to say no.  Dont try to push it on them because it just makes you look sad and desperate.

If a guy decides that after you tell him you are HIV positive, that he would still like the chance to get to know you better than that is great.  But for the both of you, if the relationship moves on to the next level ALWAYS use protection.  This is not just to help protect him but also you.  Isnt one STD bad enought?

In each situation you have to decide how and when it is the right moment to tell your potential partner.

I would love to hear back on when others think it is the best time to reveal your status to someone.

Open about your status?

I know I am doing multiple post today but I had a few different topics I wanted to discuss and did not want to make one long post that jumps from subject to subject.

How many of you are open and upfront about your HIV status when talking to someone?  Me for example, I have it listed online on certain sites so it is right there in the open for everyone to see.  I find that I personally would rather have it known from the beging than to start talking to someone and have to tell them as we are getting serious and risk them rejecting me because they are scared.  Now I respect everyones decisions and opinions about not wanting to date someone who is positive, but I just want it known from the begining so that it is already out in the open.

What I never understood are these guys who put in their profiles that they are negative but then I get a message and they tell me they are also positive.  In my opinion it is guys like that who are not honest and risk passing it on.  I get that they do it because of the bad rep that goes along with HIV but if you say you are negative and start talking to someone and then tell them that you are actually positive, they are more likely to want nothing to do with you cause you were lying from the begining.

This brings me to the people who put no status... When you have no status down people are automatically going to assume that you are positive and just to scared to admit it.

Personally I want to deal with someone who is upfront and honest about it from the begining.  If people would just be honest with eachother about their status than we could cut back on HIV transmission dramatically.  I mean I never slept with a guy who said he was HIV positive but look what happened, I still got it.  So if he would of just been honest about his status upfront then things might of turned out a little differently for me.

I dont want this to happen to anyone else like it did me so I am ALWAYS upfront and honest about my status before anything sexually happens.

Stigmas About HIV

I want to start out by saying I hope that everyone had a blessed Independence Day and remember it is not just a day of partying with friends.  Mine was great, spent it on the lake with great friends and having fun.  Well all except the part where I have to now replace my cell and Ipod cause they took a bath.

I want to know what kinds of stigmas everyone has had to face due to HIV.  are you like me and have found that it seems a lot harder to find a meaninful relationship?  Or have you noticed that once people find out abour your status that they become "scared" to even just talk to you, like they can catch it from a conversation.  Why are we concidered a taboo evenin our own community?

What can we do to help end this stigma aginst people who are living with HIV/AIDS?  It is through works of groups like The Stigma Project and other orginizations that we can help put a stop to this.

We as a community need to stand up and put faces to this disease so that everyone will realize we are just normal people trying to live a normal life.