Support Groups (rant)

Why does it seem so damn hard to find a support group in my area?  I have e-mailed multiple organizations in my area asking for information about support groups that according to their websites they offer and have not had a single response from any of them.    Oh I take that back... I recieved an auto reply back from one organization saying that someone will be in contact with me within the next 24 hours, and guess what.  Yep you are right I never heard from them.

I know in other cities have awesome support groups, so why is it so hard to find one in my city?  I have had the privledge of meeting quit a few HIV + men in my area but I have not had a chance to go to a group since I left California.   I think support groups are a vital and important part of HIV treatment.  It gives us a chance not only to talk about issues in a place where we are less likely to be judged, but it is also a great way to find out about new treatments and care.

Sorry felt like having a rant tonight.

If anyone has any info about who I could e-mail about finding a group in Charlotte please let me know.

At the Hospital...

Before any of you start to worry I was not there for me, I had to take my Nana in today to have a heart cath done.  But while sitting there all day I came to realize two things...

1) Seeing all thos folks in there for all sorts of problems and most in a worse state both physically and mentally than I am made me appreciate the fact that while I am living with this disease but it could be a lot worse.  I am lucky to be doing so good and really am thankful for that, especially after seeing so many who are suffering so bad.  It helped to show me again that this is a disease that yes I have but I can still live a long healthy life.

2) I also noticed today that my fear of germs has gotten a lot worse after my diagnosis.  I know I am over reacting but a part of me cant help it.  I did not want to touch anything, I washed my hands or used hand sanatizer every time I passed one, I also tried to stay clear of as many people as I could especially the staff.  I always have the fear in the back of my mind that I can not chance getting sick because I do not know what kind of havoc it will cause on my body.

These are the two things I noticed today.  I have to go back tomorrow because my Nana is having some more test done.  I am seriously looking into seeing if the hospital has an infectious disease wing and just seeing if I can walk through it.  I know it sounds bad but I think it could really do me good.  Who knows, I might find someone who is interesting to talk to in the halls, someone who might just have something to teach me or me teach them.

Well tonights blog is shot because I am beyond tired.  So rest easy my friends and I will let y'all know how tomorrow goes.

How have I been...

I have been doing a lot of advice post recently and I really enjoy them but I think now is a great time to do more of a personal blog.

I want to start out by saying thank you to all who have reached out and shown your support for what I am trying to accomplish here, and for voicing concerns about how I have been holding up.

Now let me be honest with you...  I have had my share of good days and bad days and that is to be expected.  Some days I get up and I am ready to take on the world, while other days it is hard to find the strength to get up at all.  For the most part I am doing alright given my situation.

As some of you may already know I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder not long after finding out I was HIV positive.  Yes I do believe finding out I HIV positive contributed to this.  Just like with the HIV I do not let these other problem control me or how I live my life.  I am on medication and seeing a councelor to help keep everything in check so nothing to worry about.

If I post a blog that is kind of depressing or down, it is not because I am always depressed.  Most of the time it is as simple as I had something on my mind and I wanted to share it.

So to sum it up and answer the inital question.
     Mentally I am doing alright. Actually I am doing better than I have in a long time but I still have my moments where I want to throw a pitty party for myself and that only last a short while. I get up, pull my big boy pants up and try to do something constructive.
     Physically I am back in the gym and have dropped close to 30lbs since I started a vegitarian diet.  I feel great on it.  My joints are starting to ache on a regular basis and I know that could be caused from the virus making them swell and I have plans on talking to my ID Doctor about it at my next appointment.

So see nothing to worry about, I will continue to be strong and push forward.

When is the right time?

*Sorry about all the post today just had some things I wanted to get out there.

When is it the right time to tell someone about your HIV status?

This goes alittle into my previous post about being honest about you HIV status but I just wanted to expand on it a bit more.  Now you already know my opinion on the matter on it, but here are some other ways I believe might work the best.

You have have to decide for you what works best for you and the situation you are in.

First things first PLEASE makesure that you tell your potential partner before anything serious happens.  It is just not worth risking the legal ramifications that it could lead to, or or risk hurting someone else.

So if you are talking to a guy online, why dont you just open up and tell him then.  I find this easier than meeting in public or at their place and then risking those really awkward moments or even embarrassment.  If you tell them online and they dont want anything to do with you than you dont need them in your life to start with.

If you meet a guy at the club and you think things might have a chance of getting serious, pull him aside before it is time to leave and tell him.  This gives him a chance to allow the news to sink in, and for him to make his own decision.

Which ever way you choose to do it, remember it is their right to say no.  Dont try to push it on them because it just makes you look sad and desperate.

If a guy decides that after you tell him you are HIV positive, that he would still like the chance to get to know you better than that is great.  But for the both of you, if the relationship moves on to the next level ALWAYS use protection.  This is not just to help protect him but also you.  Isnt one STD bad enought?

In each situation you have to decide how and when it is the right moment to tell your potential partner.

I would love to hear back on when others think it is the best time to reveal your status to someone.

Open about your status?

I know I am doing multiple post today but I had a few different topics I wanted to discuss and did not want to make one long post that jumps from subject to subject.

How many of you are open and upfront about your HIV status when talking to someone?  Me for example, I have it listed online on certain sites so it is right there in the open for everyone to see.  I find that I personally would rather have it known from the beging than to start talking to someone and have to tell them as we are getting serious and risk them rejecting me because they are scared.  Now I respect everyones decisions and opinions about not wanting to date someone who is positive, but I just want it known from the begining so that it is already out in the open.

What I never understood are these guys who put in their profiles that they are negative but then I get a message and they tell me they are also positive.  In my opinion it is guys like that who are not honest and risk passing it on.  I get that they do it because of the bad rep that goes along with HIV but if you say you are negative and start talking to someone and then tell them that you are actually positive, they are more likely to want nothing to do with you cause you were lying from the begining.

This brings me to the people who put no status... When you have no status down people are automatically going to assume that you are positive and just to scared to admit it.

Personally I want to deal with someone who is upfront and honest about it from the begining.  If people would just be honest with eachother about their status than we could cut back on HIV transmission dramatically.  I mean I never slept with a guy who said he was HIV positive but look what happened, I still got it.  So if he would of just been honest about his status upfront then things might of turned out a little differently for me.

I dont want this to happen to anyone else like it did me so I am ALWAYS upfront and honest about my status before anything sexually happens.

Stigmas About HIV

I want to start out by saying I hope that everyone had a blessed Independence Day and remember it is not just a day of partying with friends.  Mine was great, spent it on the lake with great friends and having fun.  Well all except the part where I have to now replace my cell and Ipod cause they took a bath.

I want to know what kinds of stigmas everyone has had to face due to HIV.  are you like me and have found that it seems a lot harder to find a meaninful relationship?  Or have you noticed that once people find out abour your status that they become "scared" to even just talk to you, like they can catch it from a conversation.  Why are we concidered a taboo evenin our own community?

What can we do to help end this stigma aginst people who are living with HIV/AIDS?  It is through works of groups like The Stigma Project and other orginizations that we can help put a stop to this.

We as a community need to stand up and put faces to this disease so that everyone will realize we are just normal people trying to live a normal life.