Last night was interesting to say the least. I was talked into and agreed to go to Scorpios which is a gay club here in Charlotte. You have to realize this is the first time I have been to the club since before I left San Diego. All I have to say is I am not as young as I use to be. It was $10 cover to get in and came with free house vodka drinks all night. Yeah I had my fare share of free drinks and I was pretty drunk by the time we left at after 2am, and it has taken me most the day to recover from it. I guess 27 is getting to old to be going out and acting like a 21 year old.
The one thing that really got my attention last night besides the Drag Queens, was how the gay community as a whole is really promiscuous. Guys who just meet at the club were already making out and dancing like they belonged behind closed doors. I know I have been guilty of this in my past, but I guess as I get older I pay more attention to whats going on around me.
Dont get me wrong, I have no problem with having fun and letting loose sometimes, but it is this type of behavior that gets people into situations like the one I am in. When you go out getting drunk you are more likely to enguage in risky behavior with guys you dont know that well. Just cause he may look cute in the bar dosnt mean it is alright to just go home with him and have unprotected sex.
Guys if you want to go out and have fun please just be smart about it. It is only through being smart that we can put an end to HIV.
This is my story of how I found out I was HIV-Positive while still in the United States Marine Corps and my coming to terms with my diagnosis.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Follow up to "Let's talk about SEX"
I recieved these words from a reader and he gave me permission to post them and my response to them.
"Loneliness takes hold when we feel disconnected. For example, when you are fighting a battle and no one has your 6, or going through a hardship and no one is there to hold you up, or you're lost and confused about your purpose in life with no one to guide your thoughts, or have no one to help you find a solution to a mindwracking problem, or, alas, no one to massage your tired muscles after a stressful day of work.
So the question I'll pose to you is, does the act of sex truly satisfy that yearning for a connection? I see so many guys seek out casual, or more importantly, risky sex as a means to assuage that fretful feeling of loneliness. But to me, it's all farse as those encounters are just fleeting exchanges between parties who confuse animalistic powerplays, horniness and getting off with an intimate physical connection. Recently I've learned that human sexuality isn't intended to be animalistic. In fact, the most amazing and worthwhile sex I've had is when there is another dimension to the connection that's goes beyond just the physical attraction (or for some, just the physical action without even the attraction). Yes, human sexuality is physical in ved this message from a reader and he gave me promission to use them in a post."
I totally agree that when loneliness takes hold, or you are going through something we seek out some kind of human connection. Even if that connection is purely physical and could be harmful, we are not thinking a out what could happen down the road, we are only thinking about here and now. I think that while we think like that, things like HIV will keep spreading.
To answer your direct question. No, if it did we would not keep going back to it over and over again. Yes, it may work for a few brief moments but when it is over we feel empty again and in no time we are seeking out a new connection. A relationship that is built on nothing but a physical connection never really satisfies our need for a true connection. Most of us do not know what a true connection is with someone on more than one level. We dont know how to connect to someone physically, emotionally and on many other levels so we settle for that few moments and will do whatever it takes to get them. It is like a drug addict. They just keep going back to the same thing knowing that it is harmful and could kill them.
I hope this answered your question. I know my thought process is kind of hard to follow and I am jumping around quit a bit.
And please if anyone else wants to comment or leave me a message I welcome it.
"Loneliness takes hold when we feel disconnected. For example, when you are fighting a battle and no one has your 6, or going through a hardship and no one is there to hold you up, or you're lost and confused about your purpose in life with no one to guide your thoughts, or have no one to help you find a solution to a mindwracking problem, or, alas, no one to massage your tired muscles after a stressful day of work.
So the question I'll pose to you is, does the act of sex truly satisfy that yearning for a connection? I see so many guys seek out casual, or more importantly, risky sex as a means to assuage that fretful feeling of loneliness. But to me, it's all farse as those encounters are just fleeting exchanges between parties who confuse animalistic powerplays, horniness and getting off with an intimate physical connection. Recently I've learned that human sexuality isn't intended to be animalistic. In fact, the most amazing and worthwhile sex I've had is when there is another dimension to the connection that's goes beyond just the physical attraction (or for some, just the physical action without even the attraction). Yes, human sexuality is physical in ved this message from a reader and he gave me promission to use them in a post."
I totally agree that when loneliness takes hold, or you are going through something we seek out some kind of human connection. Even if that connection is purely physical and could be harmful, we are not thinking a out what could happen down the road, we are only thinking about here and now. I think that while we think like that, things like HIV will keep spreading.
To answer your direct question. No, if it did we would not keep going back to it over and over again. Yes, it may work for a few brief moments but when it is over we feel empty again and in no time we are seeking out a new connection. A relationship that is built on nothing but a physical connection never really satisfies our need for a true connection. Most of us do not know what a true connection is with someone on more than one level. We dont know how to connect to someone physically, emotionally and on many other levels so we settle for that few moments and will do whatever it takes to get them. It is like a drug addict. They just keep going back to the same thing knowing that it is harmful and could kill them.
I hope this answered your question. I know my thought process is kind of hard to follow and I am jumping around quit a bit.
And please if anyone else wants to comment or leave me a message I welcome it.
Mortality
*This is just something that has been on my mind the past few days and I wanted to share it.
You know I never really thought about how or when I would die, I mean who really does while they are young? When you are young you think you are invincible and that nothing will ever happen to you, but all to often something happens that makes you realize your mortality. In my case this happened when I got my diagnosis. It really woke me the fuck up from that haze I seemed to always be in.
At first I thought about death pretty much all the time. I was depressed and confused. I did not realize that I could still live a full, healthy, and active life if I just did what was needed to controle this. As time passed I had time to adjust and became better educated about about HIV. A good friend and mentor put it just right the other day, he said "it took you about two years to get back to normal." He was exactly right, I no longer sit for hours and ponder my own demise. I wont say that I never think about it anymore cause that would be a lie.
At some point we are all forced to face our own mortality, it is just as simple as that. It is all about how you handle it. Do not do like I did and sit around and let these types of thoughts consume you. HIV may seem like the end of the world but it is not.
In some ways I believe that this "wake up call" was what I needed and has made me appreciate everyday a bit more. I use to take the everyday for granted, but now I live it to its fullest.
So when you are forced to face your own mortality remember dont let it take over. Forget about it, when the time comes it will come. We can not do anything about it, so what is the point in worrying about it?
You know I never really thought about how or when I would die, I mean who really does while they are young? When you are young you think you are invincible and that nothing will ever happen to you, but all to often something happens that makes you realize your mortality. In my case this happened when I got my diagnosis. It really woke me the fuck up from that haze I seemed to always be in.
At first I thought about death pretty much all the time. I was depressed and confused. I did not realize that I could still live a full, healthy, and active life if I just did what was needed to controle this. As time passed I had time to adjust and became better educated about about HIV. A good friend and mentor put it just right the other day, he said "it took you about two years to get back to normal." He was exactly right, I no longer sit for hours and ponder my own demise. I wont say that I never think about it anymore cause that would be a lie.
At some point we are all forced to face our own mortality, it is just as simple as that. It is all about how you handle it. Do not do like I did and sit around and let these types of thoughts consume you. HIV may seem like the end of the world but it is not.
In some ways I believe that this "wake up call" was what I needed and has made me appreciate everyday a bit more. I use to take the everyday for granted, but now I live it to its fullest.
So when you are forced to face your own mortality remember dont let it take over. Forget about it, when the time comes it will come. We can not do anything about it, so what is the point in worrying about it?
Monday, June 17, 2013
The ArcHIVe Project
Just wanted to give a shout out to The ArcHIVe Project. I have been in contact with them there about sharing my story. I am getting it typed up now so I can submit it to them for editing and publication. They seem to be a really good organization that is meant to help spread the word about HIV care and prevention. They are based out of San Diego, California. Please check out their website at http://www.thearchiveproject.org/ to learn more about them. Also if you have time take the survey, it is completely anonymous and you do not have to share any personal information.
There are so many great organizations out there that are trying to help spread the word about HIV, I encourage everyone to please get involved with one of them. This disease effects us all and we all need to step up and put a stop to it.
There are so many great organizations out there that are trying to help spread the word about HIV, I encourage everyone to please get involved with one of them. This disease effects us all and we all need to step up and put a stop to it.
Back and Forth
Been playing phone tag with my doctor for the past few weeks trying to get my actual numbers from my last lab test. I just have one thing to say... WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET AHOLD OF THE DOCTOR??? He did leave me a message and said my numbers looked the same and that I am still doing good, but I want the actual numbers. He could not go into detail on the message due to HIPPA Laws and I understand that, but at least he could give me his direct number and not send me to the reception desk.
Does anyone else have the problem of getting ahold of their doctor especially if they are with the VA? I guess I can not complain because I have gotten some great care through the VA since I started seeing them back in 2011.
I know this one is short but I just wanted to give everyone an update as to why I have not posted anything new in awhile. I do have some ideas that I am working on for some longer more in-dept post, just trying to get all my thoughts down and worded right.
Does anyone else have the problem of getting ahold of their doctor especially if they are with the VA? I guess I can not complain because I have gotten some great care through the VA since I started seeing them back in 2011.
I know this one is short but I just wanted to give everyone an update as to why I have not posted anything new in awhile. I do have some ideas that I am working on for some longer more in-dept post, just trying to get all my thoughts down and worded right.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
About Meds
For those of you who have been reading, hou know I am not on meds yet due to my numbers being as good as they are.
I would like to know what everyones opinion is to me going ahead and starting now even if I dont have to, or waiting till I actually need to. I am not sure what has been holding me back. The part of raking a pill everyday does not bother me but the difference is with those pills I can miss a dose or two, or even get off them completly if I wanted to. I think I am procrastonating just for the simple fack that once I start I am committed to it for the rest of my life. It has been a pretty big topic on my mind for awhile now and I would sure love to hear some feed back.
Also if it is not to personal could you comment with what meds they have you are and how they work for you?
I would like to know what everyones opinion is to me going ahead and starting now even if I dont have to, or waiting till I actually need to. I am not sure what has been holding me back. The part of raking a pill everyday does not bother me but the difference is with those pills I can miss a dose or two, or even get off them completly if I wanted to. I think I am procrastonating just for the simple fack that once I start I am committed to it for the rest of my life. It has been a pretty big topic on my mind for awhile now and I would sure love to hear some feed back.
Also if it is not to personal could you comment with what meds they have you are and how they work for you?
Maybe it is just me...
Does anyone else get a little offended when someome makes a joke about getting "the hiv"???
I understand that not all people know but when it is friends who know your status, I find it distacefil. I would really like to hear back from what other people feel like when a friend makes a joke about "the hiv". In my opinion it is no different than a a White guy calling a Black guy by the N-word. I am guilty of making jokes at my own expence but that is more due to the fact that if I cant joke about it sometimes then I would keep it bottle up and that would not be good at all. I know for a fact they ment no harm in it and they probanly totally forgot about my status because we dont talk about it very oftens just because I dont want a pitty parry.
I think I have posted this before but it is such good advice I am going to share it again... One of my mentors right after I was diagnoised told me "Brian you are going to have up days and down days, right now it will seem like you will be having more bad days than anything. There is nothing wrong with spending a day having a pitty party, but as soon as it is over get up and force yourself to stay busy.
So tonight I am having my pitty party in bed, but when I wake up in the morning it is a new day and I will leave my worries far behind. There is nothing wronge whats so ever to feel this way just as long as you recognize it and you can push through it.
Just take the time to watch this video. I know it is a bout a break up but I can relate to it on a whole nother levesl, and I am sure more than one else of you can as well.
I understand that not all people know but when it is friends who know your status, I find it distacefil. I would really like to hear back from what other people feel like when a friend makes a joke about "the hiv". In my opinion it is no different than a a White guy calling a Black guy by the N-word. I am guilty of making jokes at my own expence but that is more due to the fact that if I cant joke about it sometimes then I would keep it bottle up and that would not be good at all. I know for a fact they ment no harm in it and they probanly totally forgot about my status because we dont talk about it very oftens just because I dont want a pitty parry.
I think I have posted this before but it is such good advice I am going to share it again... One of my mentors right after I was diagnoised told me "Brian you are going to have up days and down days, right now it will seem like you will be having more bad days than anything. There is nothing wrong with spending a day having a pitty party, but as soon as it is over get up and force yourself to stay busy.
So tonight I am having my pitty party in bed, but when I wake up in the morning it is a new day and I will leave my worries far behind. There is nothing wronge whats so ever to feel this way just as long as you recognize it and you can push through it.
Just take the time to watch this video. I know it is a bout a break up but I can relate to it on a whole nother levesl, and I am sure more than one else of you can as well.
I heard this song for the first time on the radio tonight And it pulled at a heart-string.
Remember when you are done feeling sorry for yourself get the fuck up and make yourself do something. I do anything I want and do not let this diagnosis rule my life or restrict what I can or can not do.
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