Why I was afraid of Pride...

So this weekend was Pride here in Charlotte.  I was so excited about it this year because this is the first year they were to have a parade since like 1994.  I really wanted to go but the more I thought about it the more I feared going.  You see Charlotte does not have a very big gay community so most of us can recognize eachother when we see others out in public.  Usually we probably do not know each other but have seen each other on certain websites which I choose not to name.

 Well when you have HIV and are part of such a small community, places like Pride can be a scarry place.  I was scared that I would be recognized from my profiles on said sites and that I would be black sheeped.  People in the south are still scared of others with HIV and I really did not want to face that alone.  I did not want people to recognize me because of my status that I am honest with on all the sites I am a member of.  I just do not think I could face that alone.  Maybe if I had others who I could of been with and who I could relate to , than maybe it would of been easier and I could of gone.

It is hard enough to be part of such a small community but to have HIV singles you out and makes you part of a smaller group in a small community.  I could not walk those street of Pride alone.

This goes back to a post I did earlier about not being able to find a support group.   Having a support group would of made today so much easier.

Fears of the reaction of others knowing my status should never be a issue but the stigmas that HIV gay men still face in the south even from their own community are horriable. Some people are even afraid to carry on a conversation with a man who has HIV, some will not even talk to you on the computer.  Even more guys think that just because someone is HIV positive than that must mean they are just a dirty slut who will sleep with anyone and thet they must not care about themselves.

It is because of these stigmas I was afraid to face Pride alone.  Maybe by next year things will change and I will not have to choose to either face it alone or just not go.  Well at least I can hope they will be.

I should not be affraid to be seen in the gay community because of my status, but intill these stigmas get tossed out it is just better off that I not stand out alone.

"All in my head"

This poem is not about HIV, but instead the deep depression I sunk into not long after I was diagnoised.  I appologize now if all my poems seem dark but I write from my heart and I cant tell it what to feel.

"All in my Head"
By: Brian L

I write from my soul,
Of a life seen through my eyes.
These trials have taken a toll,
But they are my own cries.

Cries out about a past,
Or a unseen future yet to be.
How life seems to pass so fast,
Open your eyes and you will see.

See a life that was torn apart,
As it tried to start anew.
Filling this hole in my heart,
All the while as the pain grew.

Grew into someone I did not know,
And hated to be around.
I had changed and it started to show,
I felt like I was bound.

Bound to a life that was not my own,
A stranger in my own mind.
Always feeling like I was alone.
And that I was truly blind.

Blind to the love I could not feel.
Numb to the pain inside.
None of the world seemed so real,
It felt as if I had died.

Died and gone to a unknown place,
A place where time stood still.
Where all had fallen from grace.
But I had to learn to deal.

Deal with the the reality,
For I was not yet dead.
Faced with my own mortality,
I had to realize it was all in my head.

"The Face"

I wrote this poem mostly for a little closure for myself, because I can not remember who it was that I contracted this disease from.  I have spend a lot of time thinking about it and all that I ever accomplish is feeling more depressed. So here is to closure.


"The Face"
By: Brian L

The nameless face in my mind,
Haunting me for the rest of time.
A face I have come to dread,
The last I will see before I'm dead.

The face that took so much away,
Caused my sanity to sway.
Caused me so much more than pain,
I live my life shrouded in shame.

The face that looked so sincere,
Has filled me with nothing but fear.
Has filled me with doubt and distrust,
And for you nothing but disgust.

The face gave me something in return,
Something that has made my insides churn.
Something that I will die with,
And without me it can not live.

The face I remeber but not who you were,
Just one night that seems a blur.
Just one night is all it took,
And you stole my health like a crook.

The face is not all to blame,
Part of this story is mine to claim.
Part of this I did to myself,
And that is bad enough in itself.

The face was lying the whole time,
Told me that I would be fine.
Told me to just trust in him
So I went out on a limb.

The face did not tell me he was ailing,
And that his immun system was failing.
And that there is no cure,
Now with HIV I must endure.

Appointment today

As you know I had my 3 month routine appointment today.  Talked to the Dr again about going ahead and starting meds.  I had finally gotten myself ready to start taking meds and and worked myself up to it.  Well he wants to wait a bit longer, wants to see if my liver enzymes continue to drop and show improvement.  He said today that they are dropping and they have not been this low since Dec 2011. At least this is a good sign.

He took more labs today and when they all come back he is going to give me a call and if they have gone down he is going to go ahead and call in the meds and have them mailed to me. So possible by the end of the month I will be on Stribild.

Has anyone been on this and had any side effects from it?

"For You See"

This is a poem I have been working on for the past few days.  Please let me know what you think.  I was also thinking of making another tab at the top that would be all my poems.  Tell me if you like that idea.

"For You See"
By: Brian L.

I have a voice.
That wants to yell "GOD, WHY ME?"
"How could You let this be?"
"Why did this happen to me?"
For you see I have HIV!

I am not to be scared of.
Because trust in me,
I am more afraid of myself than you could be.
More afraid of this virus that craws through me,
Afraid for the life that may never be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not just a disease.
I will not let this virus control me,
Or think about what could be.
Yes HIV is apart of me,
But I am trying to be the best I can be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not alone.
An Army stands beside me,
Together we fight so it will not be.
That more people get infected just like me,
So this epidemic will no longer be.
For you see I have HIV!

I will raise my voice.
Together with you and me,
We can make this virus cease to be.
HIV can end with me,
So everyone can live the life that's meant to be.
For you see I have HIV...But HIV don't have me!

A Personal Experience of HIV Stigmas

I want to share this story to show that people with HIV experience all kinds of stigmas and fears aginst them, and sometimes the ones doing it are the ones who you expect to be yoursupport group.  Fear can over come even those the closest to us because they are ignorant about what HIV really is.

So about a year after my diagnosis I came home for the first time.  At this point my family already knew about my status and were trying to be as supportive as they could from accross the country.  Well at first I did not notice it but it soon became clear that my own family was afraid to be around me.  I started noticing little things like my mother would hand wash all the dishes I used because she did not trust the dishwasher to get them clean.  I then noticed that I had not seen my sister use our shared bathroom even once since I got home.  She was using our parents bathroom for everything.  I said something to my mom about it and mom told me she was uncomfortible using the same bathroom that I used.  You want to talk about crushed.  I was unwelcomed in my own home.

After noticing all this I no longer wished to remain in a home where my own family was afraid of me.  I tried the next day to get an earlier flight back to San Diego but my mom said I was only causing a scene and would only make matters worse, but really why would I want to stay where I am not wanted.  I did stay for the rest of my trip but I was heartbroken the whole time and could not wait to get away.

When I returned I went to the clinic and picked up as much info and pamplets about HIV and how you can and can not catch it.  I put it all in a package with a letter that just said "please read if you want me to come back", and mailed it to my family.

Things have gotten better since then but this is just one of the many things that is always in the back of my mind.

I share this so others see how important HIV education is so we can stop these stigmas and fears.  It is never a good feeling to be feared by your own family.

VA Rant & VA appointment

If you didnt know already I am disabled by the Military due to multiple medical reasons not just my HIV.  Well bing disabled means I get a disability check every month from the VA, it isnt much but I have been depending on it each month to live off of.   Well I did not get my check this month because some smart ass with the VA over paid me last semester on my GI Bill and now they are taking it all back at one time.  I dont mind paying money back but damn at least tell me you are going to take my whole damn check.

Also wanted to say that I have passed 2 of the 4 kidney stones so far.  Not in anymore pain so that is all I am worried about.

Going back to the ID doc at the VA tomorrow morning for my 3 month check up.  I think thisis it, I think I am finally going to make the plunge and start meds.  Still alittle nervous about it but I know I have to start sometime and I have been putting it off long enough.  Not sure if I am ready to commit to sometning for the rest of my life, hell I have a hard time commiting to a dinner date.

Wish me luck. I will let y'all know how things go tomorrow.

Kidney Stones

It all started this past Sunday when I was waking up.  My back felt like it had a really bad catch in it.  At first I did not think much about it, I figured I had either slept on it wrong or moved wrong the day before.  While eatting breakfast the pain started to get more intense and was moving.  I knew then that something else was wrong.  I was pretty sure I knew what it was but never having one before I was not certain.  All I knew is I had never been in this much pain in my life.

After about 2 hours of pacing the house because I was in so much pain , I got my mom to drive me to the closest VA Emergency Room.  That hour and a half car ride was true hell.  The pain had made me sick to my stomach a few times which then reaulted in violent dry heaving that made it all hurt worse.

Finally got to the ER and only had to wait about 20 min till thwy took me back.  They did a CT scan which confirmed I was right and that I did have a stone.  There was not much they said they could do so they sent me home with some meds that would make it easier to pass.

Well to make a long story short, I have not felt like doing anything since this past Sunday.  In the ER they told me to contact my Primary Care Dr if it was still hurting in 48 hours.  I called them yesterday and told them I was still having pain and it felt like anotherone was moving.  The nurse pulled up the CT scan and said that was a possibility because it showed I had a few of them.  They then told me I needed to go back to the ER because there was nothing they could do for me at primary care.  *God I hate getting the run around with the VA but it seems to be normal practice to them.

Decided not to go today because I thought I had passed one or passed something that got cought in the little strainer they are making me pee in.  But the pain has started back in my back where it started on Sunday so I guess I will go tomorrow.  At least to get some more pain meds.

They say people get these usually from eating too much animal product, well if that is the case I should never get one. Only animal products I eat are cheese and eggs.  Also said dark cokes could cause them or high salt intake.

I have been drinking so much fluids that I feel like I am floating.  Everyone keeps telling me to drink a beer to help clean out my kidneys but I cant do that with the meds I am on so I have to settle for green tea and lots of water.

I hope it gets better before tomorrow so I dont have to go back to the ER and I dont know how much more time I can spend in the bed.