Why I was afraid of Pride...

So this weekend was Pride here in Charlotte.  I was so excited about it this year because this is the first year they were to have a parade since like 1994.  I really wanted to go but the more I thought about it the more I feared going.  You see Charlotte does not have a very big gay community so most of us can recognize eachother when we see others out in public.  Usually we probably do not know each other but have seen each other on certain websites which I choose not to name.

 Well when you have HIV and are part of such a small community, places like Pride can be a scarry place.  I was scared that I would be recognized from my profiles on said sites and that I would be black sheeped.  People in the south are still scared of others with HIV and I really did not want to face that alone.  I did not want people to recognize me because of my status that I am honest with on all the sites I am a member of.  I just do not think I could face that alone.  Maybe if I had others who I could of been with and who I could relate to , than maybe it would of been easier and I could of gone.

It is hard enough to be part of such a small community but to have HIV singles you out and makes you part of a smaller group in a small community.  I could not walk those street of Pride alone.

This goes back to a post I did earlier about not being able to find a support group.   Having a support group would of made today so much easier.

Fears of the reaction of others knowing my status should never be a issue but the stigmas that HIV gay men still face in the south even from their own community are horriable. Some people are even afraid to carry on a conversation with a man who has HIV, some will not even talk to you on the computer.  Even more guys think that just because someone is HIV positive than that must mean they are just a dirty slut who will sleep with anyone and thet they must not care about themselves.

It is because of these stigmas I was afraid to face Pride alone.  Maybe by next year things will change and I will not have to choose to either face it alone or just not go.  Well at least I can hope they will be.

I should not be affraid to be seen in the gay community because of my status, but intill these stigmas get tossed out it is just better off that I not stand out alone.