Announcement!!!

I would like to announce that I have a new site up and running and that I will no longer be using this site as my blog.  If you have subscribed please go to my new page www.AMarineAndHIV.com and resubscribe.

I felt that it is time to take this to the next level in the hopes of reaching more people.  The new site is still a work in progress so please bear with me as I am still learning how to use the new software.

I would like to thank everyone who has followed me along this journey and I hope to see you at my new site as the journey still has a long way to go.

Thank you,
Brian

You've Got This!

I do not normally do a blog entry about certain orginizations in the HIV/AIDS community because there are just so many out there that I feel like are doing so much good, weither it be education prevention, erasing stigmas, or like Healthline by showing us we are not alone in one of our greatest times of need.

Finding out that you have been infected with HIV can seem like the end of the world for many who do not know where to turn. Trust me I was one of those who felt lost and confused.

Well Healthline has a new campaign called "You've Got This" that is so inspiring and encouraging not just for someone like me who has been positive for awhile but also for those who are newly diagnoised with HIV.  

I really wish I could of found something that offers this much hope when I was newly diagnosed, been able to watch videos submitted by real people just like me who knew what I was going though and had words of wisdom to share.

Even watching the videos now, I am in awww and so inspired.   I have actually been inspired enought to work on my own video for their "You've Got This" campaign.  I encourage everyone to please visit their website and take the time to browse through the videos and show your support for this great cause.




http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/youve-got-this?toptoctest=expand

Stay in bed for a week...

Last Wed I took off to go help a friend of mine move up in the mountains.   I was not intending to stay a week but that is what I ended up doing.  She was buying a new home so I decided to be a good best friend and go help her some.  Well I did not know that would include her wanting to work till all hours of the night.  I understand she works till like 2am usually but that does not mean the rest of us do.  I did it and pushed through it even though my body is feeling warn out.

It has not even been two weeks since I have started my meds and my body is still adjustingto them.  I am still having some nausea but not nearly as bad and still having problems with foods upsetting my stomach.  Also now with my body fighting exta hard because of the new meds I can go for so long till I must stop and rest for a bit.  I really hope
these side effects end soon.  I am getting tired of staying in the bathroom and it is getting embarrassing.

On a positive note (no pun intended)  I have a check up with my Dr this Friday and along with the pharmacist who works in the clink.  They are going to be drawing more labs (the story of my damn life) to see if the meds are doing their job.  I hate to see how much blood those vampires are going to drain out of me this time, but I guess it is all for the best.

I am still not comfortable with having to take the pill but I try not to think about it.

Right now my body is exhausted but I can not seem to want to go to sleep because I have been up so late every night for the past week.  I believe the earliest I have gone to bed was 1:30am and the latest was some time after 5am, so now I am not tired...

It's Finally Time...

I promised that I would do an update and let everyone know what was gping on when I was ready so here it is...

My ID Dr at the VA called me on Sept 4 and told me that it was nothing to worry about but my numbers had dropped and he thought it was time for me to start meds.  I asked him what they were so he told me that my CD4 had dropped to 363 and my viral load had gone up to 44,000.  Well this really had me freaking out ALOT and I was a total mess not really knowing what to do, that was till I got a call from the pharmacist in the clinic to confirm my information to mail me the perscription.  I asked the pharmacists to please look up my labs just hoping that there had been some kind of mistake, and just my luck there had been.  My viral load had gone up to 44,000 by my CD4 was not 363, instead it was 636.  My Dr must be dyslexic or something.  It was alittle relief to me that it had actually not dropped as much as my Dr had originally told me but I was still nervous and a reck about starting meds. The call from the pharmacist was on Friday Sept 6th.

The next week I spent anxiously awaiting for the mail everyday to see if my new meds had arrived, while really praying each day that they had not.  Well they did not show up till this past Friday the 13th.  I guess it is fitting that something I was dreading and scared of showed up on Friday the 13th...  Luckly when I got them I was on my way out for the evening so I really did not have alot of time to sit and just think about it which really did me well.

Now when it came time to acrually taking the pill that is a different story.  I had been talking to a friend I had met when I was first diagnosed back in 2010.  He was returning to NMC Balboa for his yearly evaluations and he was the first mentor type person I had,  he was giving me some advice on what may be a good way to take it so I don't get too worked up about it.  He said to start a movie and then just reach over and take it once you get into the movie, that way you are not really thinking about it too much.  He also suggested maybe taking it with somebody that way I am not alone if I get too upset.  He was right in saying that it could be a hard time for some people.  About half way through the movie I decided to just go ahead and do it.

It wasnot as climatic as I had worked myself up for but what was I really thinking was going to happen lol.  I will say I did not get much sleep that night because I had worked myself up so much that I was not tired, that was a mistake because that left me awake all nightto just think.  As my friend said "it may feel like you are loosing because you are having to start meds, but think of it as winning because you will soon be undetectable," he was right again, for me for some reason it did feel like apart of me was loosing, but I had to put that thought behind me and think of for the best.

Well I have now taken it for 3 nights now and the only complaint I have so far is the constant nausea I have had and the constant feeling of tiredness.   I hope these shale pass soon and they told me they should.  I will say I was hoping for some of the crazy dreams everyone says they had with Atripla but I guess with Stribild you don't get those.

Here is to the rest of my life...

Support Systems

You know for most of us our family and closest friends are our main support system when faced with HIV.  Well what do you do when you know your family wants to support you but they just don't understand and do not know how?  You see, in my family everyone knows my status but it is one of those thing we don't talk about and I know it makes them uncomfortable to talk about it so I choose to not bring it up.  I know they want to be there for me but they just don't understand what I am really going through so I am faced with dealing with tnis pretty much alone.  That is one reason I keep this blog because it gives me a source to talk about my status openly.

Please don't get me wrong I love that my family want to help and I appreciate everything they have done for me, it is just they truely do not understand.

I don't believe many actually understand what it is like to live with HIV and what all we are going through, that is until they are directly effected by it.  Yes there are many out there that support but I don't think they umderstand deep down.  It is just like with anyone facing any ailment, we can be there for them but we do not really understand what they are going through until we are put in their shoes.

I find for me the most supportive are those I have meet along this journey who are also traveling down the same path I am.  And for me there are not many of those who I feel like I can truely relate to and understand, and there are even few of them now that I am back in NC.  I left the best support system in Cali when I was discharged.

I think that is all for the night...
Well I would also like to know if I snould keep posting poems.  What do y'all think?

News on the way...

I know I have been lax about doing a new blog post.  I have just had some stuff going on and I promise I will let everyone know when the time is right for me, which I hope to have everything settled in the next few days.  This is a big thing for me so I just need some time.

Oh a plus note I did get the results back from my last liver test and thwy have gone back to pretty much normal levels.  The doc said they are the best they have looked in years.  So I guess this changing diet and loosing weight was all I really needed on that end.

So I am asking for everyone to please be patient with me and bear with me through this.

I will do one more post tonight and then it might be a few days till I am ready to do anotherone.

Why I was afraid of Pride...

So this weekend was Pride here in Charlotte.  I was so excited about it this year because this is the first year they were to have a parade since like 1994.  I really wanted to go but the more I thought about it the more I feared going.  You see Charlotte does not have a very big gay community so most of us can recognize eachother when we see others out in public.  Usually we probably do not know each other but have seen each other on certain websites which I choose not to name.

 Well when you have HIV and are part of such a small community, places like Pride can be a scarry place.  I was scared that I would be recognized from my profiles on said sites and that I would be black sheeped.  People in the south are still scared of others with HIV and I really did not want to face that alone.  I did not want people to recognize me because of my status that I am honest with on all the sites I am a member of.  I just do not think I could face that alone.  Maybe if I had others who I could of been with and who I could relate to , than maybe it would of been easier and I could of gone.

It is hard enough to be part of such a small community but to have HIV singles you out and makes you part of a smaller group in a small community.  I could not walk those street of Pride alone.

This goes back to a post I did earlier about not being able to find a support group.   Having a support group would of made today so much easier.

Fears of the reaction of others knowing my status should never be a issue but the stigmas that HIV gay men still face in the south even from their own community are horriable. Some people are even afraid to carry on a conversation with a man who has HIV, some will not even talk to you on the computer.  Even more guys think that just because someone is HIV positive than that must mean they are just a dirty slut who will sleep with anyone and thet they must not care about themselves.

It is because of these stigmas I was afraid to face Pride alone.  Maybe by next year things will change and I will not have to choose to either face it alone or just not go.  Well at least I can hope they will be.

I should not be affraid to be seen in the gay community because of my status, but intill these stigmas get tossed out it is just better off that I not stand out alone.

"All in my head"

This poem is not about HIV, but instead the deep depression I sunk into not long after I was diagnoised.  I appologize now if all my poems seem dark but I write from my heart and I cant tell it what to feel.

"All in my Head"
By: Brian L

I write from my soul,
Of a life seen through my eyes.
These trials have taken a toll,
But they are my own cries.

Cries out about a past,
Or a unseen future yet to be.
How life seems to pass so fast,
Open your eyes and you will see.

See a life that was torn apart,
As it tried to start anew.
Filling this hole in my heart,
All the while as the pain grew.

Grew into someone I did not know,
And hated to be around.
I had changed and it started to show,
I felt like I was bound.

Bound to a life that was not my own,
A stranger in my own mind.
Always feeling like I was alone.
And that I was truly blind.

Blind to the love I could not feel.
Numb to the pain inside.
None of the world seemed so real,
It felt as if I had died.

Died and gone to a unknown place,
A place where time stood still.
Where all had fallen from grace.
But I had to learn to deal.

Deal with the the reality,
For I was not yet dead.
Faced with my own mortality,
I had to realize it was all in my head.

"The Face"

I wrote this poem mostly for a little closure for myself, because I can not remember who it was that I contracted this disease from.  I have spend a lot of time thinking about it and all that I ever accomplish is feeling more depressed. So here is to closure.


"The Face"
By: Brian L

The nameless face in my mind,
Haunting me for the rest of time.
A face I have come to dread,
The last I will see before I'm dead.

The face that took so much away,
Caused my sanity to sway.
Caused me so much more than pain,
I live my life shrouded in shame.

The face that looked so sincere,
Has filled me with nothing but fear.
Has filled me with doubt and distrust,
And for you nothing but disgust.

The face gave me something in return,
Something that has made my insides churn.
Something that I will die with,
And without me it can not live.

The face I remeber but not who you were,
Just one night that seems a blur.
Just one night is all it took,
And you stole my health like a crook.

The face is not all to blame,
Part of this story is mine to claim.
Part of this I did to myself,
And that is bad enough in itself.

The face was lying the whole time,
Told me that I would be fine.
Told me to just trust in him
So I went out on a limb.

The face did not tell me he was ailing,
And that his immun system was failing.
And that there is no cure,
Now with HIV I must endure.

Appointment today

As you know I had my 3 month routine appointment today.  Talked to the Dr again about going ahead and starting meds.  I had finally gotten myself ready to start taking meds and and worked myself up to it.  Well he wants to wait a bit longer, wants to see if my liver enzymes continue to drop and show improvement.  He said today that they are dropping and they have not been this low since Dec 2011. At least this is a good sign.

He took more labs today and when they all come back he is going to give me a call and if they have gone down he is going to go ahead and call in the meds and have them mailed to me. So possible by the end of the month I will be on Stribild.

Has anyone been on this and had any side effects from it?

"For You See"

This is a poem I have been working on for the past few days.  Please let me know what you think.  I was also thinking of making another tab at the top that would be all my poems.  Tell me if you like that idea.

"For You See"
By: Brian L.

I have a voice.
That wants to yell "GOD, WHY ME?"
"How could You let this be?"
"Why did this happen to me?"
For you see I have HIV!

I am not to be scared of.
Because trust in me,
I am more afraid of myself than you could be.
More afraid of this virus that craws through me,
Afraid for the life that may never be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not just a disease.
I will not let this virus control me,
Or think about what could be.
Yes HIV is apart of me,
But I am trying to be the best I can be.
For you see I have HIV!

I am not alone.
An Army stands beside me,
Together we fight so it will not be.
That more people get infected just like me,
So this epidemic will no longer be.
For you see I have HIV!

I will raise my voice.
Together with you and me,
We can make this virus cease to be.
HIV can end with me,
So everyone can live the life that's meant to be.
For you see I have HIV...But HIV don't have me!

A Personal Experience of HIV Stigmas

I want to share this story to show that people with HIV experience all kinds of stigmas and fears aginst them, and sometimes the ones doing it are the ones who you expect to be yoursupport group.  Fear can over come even those the closest to us because they are ignorant about what HIV really is.

So about a year after my diagnosis I came home for the first time.  At this point my family already knew about my status and were trying to be as supportive as they could from accross the country.  Well at first I did not notice it but it soon became clear that my own family was afraid to be around me.  I started noticing little things like my mother would hand wash all the dishes I used because she did not trust the dishwasher to get them clean.  I then noticed that I had not seen my sister use our shared bathroom even once since I got home.  She was using our parents bathroom for everything.  I said something to my mom about it and mom told me she was uncomfortible using the same bathroom that I used.  You want to talk about crushed.  I was unwelcomed in my own home.

After noticing all this I no longer wished to remain in a home where my own family was afraid of me.  I tried the next day to get an earlier flight back to San Diego but my mom said I was only causing a scene and would only make matters worse, but really why would I want to stay where I am not wanted.  I did stay for the rest of my trip but I was heartbroken the whole time and could not wait to get away.

When I returned I went to the clinic and picked up as much info and pamplets about HIV and how you can and can not catch it.  I put it all in a package with a letter that just said "please read if you want me to come back", and mailed it to my family.

Things have gotten better since then but this is just one of the many things that is always in the back of my mind.

I share this so others see how important HIV education is so we can stop these stigmas and fears.  It is never a good feeling to be feared by your own family.

VA Rant & VA appointment

If you didnt know already I am disabled by the Military due to multiple medical reasons not just my HIV.  Well bing disabled means I get a disability check every month from the VA, it isnt much but I have been depending on it each month to live off of.   Well I did not get my check this month because some smart ass with the VA over paid me last semester on my GI Bill and now they are taking it all back at one time.  I dont mind paying money back but damn at least tell me you are going to take my whole damn check.

Also wanted to say that I have passed 2 of the 4 kidney stones so far.  Not in anymore pain so that is all I am worried about.

Going back to the ID doc at the VA tomorrow morning for my 3 month check up.  I think thisis it, I think I am finally going to make the plunge and start meds.  Still alittle nervous about it but I know I have to start sometime and I have been putting it off long enough.  Not sure if I am ready to commit to sometning for the rest of my life, hell I have a hard time commiting to a dinner date.

Wish me luck. I will let y'all know how things go tomorrow.

Kidney Stones

It all started this past Sunday when I was waking up.  My back felt like it had a really bad catch in it.  At first I did not think much about it, I figured I had either slept on it wrong or moved wrong the day before.  While eatting breakfast the pain started to get more intense and was moving.  I knew then that something else was wrong.  I was pretty sure I knew what it was but never having one before I was not certain.  All I knew is I had never been in this much pain in my life.

After about 2 hours of pacing the house because I was in so much pain , I got my mom to drive me to the closest VA Emergency Room.  That hour and a half car ride was true hell.  The pain had made me sick to my stomach a few times which then reaulted in violent dry heaving that made it all hurt worse.

Finally got to the ER and only had to wait about 20 min till thwy took me back.  They did a CT scan which confirmed I was right and that I did have a stone.  There was not much they said they could do so they sent me home with some meds that would make it easier to pass.

Well to make a long story short, I have not felt like doing anything since this past Sunday.  In the ER they told me to contact my Primary Care Dr if it was still hurting in 48 hours.  I called them yesterday and told them I was still having pain and it felt like anotherone was moving.  The nurse pulled up the CT scan and said that was a possibility because it showed I had a few of them.  They then told me I needed to go back to the ER because there was nothing they could do for me at primary care.  *God I hate getting the run around with the VA but it seems to be normal practice to them.

Decided not to go today because I thought I had passed one or passed something that got cought in the little strainer they are making me pee in.  But the pain has started back in my back where it started on Sunday so I guess I will go tomorrow.  At least to get some more pain meds.

They say people get these usually from eating too much animal product, well if that is the case I should never get one. Only animal products I eat are cheese and eggs.  Also said dark cokes could cause them or high salt intake.

I have been drinking so much fluids that I feel like I am floating.  Everyone keeps telling me to drink a beer to help clean out my kidneys but I cant do that with the meds I am on so I have to settle for green tea and lots of water.

I hope it gets better before tomorrow so I dont have to go back to the ER and I dont know how much more time I can spend in the bed.

Support Groups (rant)

Why does it seem so damn hard to find a support group in my area?  I have e-mailed multiple organizations in my area asking for information about support groups that according to their websites they offer and have not had a single response from any of them.    Oh I take that back... I recieved an auto reply back from one organization saying that someone will be in contact with me within the next 24 hours, and guess what.  Yep you are right I never heard from them.

I know in other cities have awesome support groups, so why is it so hard to find one in my city?  I have had the privledge of meeting quit a few HIV + men in my area but I have not had a chance to go to a group since I left California.   I think support groups are a vital and important part of HIV treatment.  It gives us a chance not only to talk about issues in a place where we are less likely to be judged, but it is also a great way to find out about new treatments and care.

Sorry felt like having a rant tonight.

If anyone has any info about who I could e-mail about finding a group in Charlotte please let me know.

At the Hospital...

Before any of you start to worry I was not there for me, I had to take my Nana in today to have a heart cath done.  But while sitting there all day I came to realize two things...

1) Seeing all thos folks in there for all sorts of problems and most in a worse state both physically and mentally than I am made me appreciate the fact that while I am living with this disease but it could be a lot worse.  I am lucky to be doing so good and really am thankful for that, especially after seeing so many who are suffering so bad.  It helped to show me again that this is a disease that yes I have but I can still live a long healthy life.

2) I also noticed today that my fear of germs has gotten a lot worse after my diagnosis.  I know I am over reacting but a part of me cant help it.  I did not want to touch anything, I washed my hands or used hand sanatizer every time I passed one, I also tried to stay clear of as many people as I could especially the staff.  I always have the fear in the back of my mind that I can not chance getting sick because I do not know what kind of havoc it will cause on my body.

These are the two things I noticed today.  I have to go back tomorrow because my Nana is having some more test done.  I am seriously looking into seeing if the hospital has an infectious disease wing and just seeing if I can walk through it.  I know it sounds bad but I think it could really do me good.  Who knows, I might find someone who is interesting to talk to in the halls, someone who might just have something to teach me or me teach them.

Well tonights blog is shot because I am beyond tired.  So rest easy my friends and I will let y'all know how tomorrow goes.

How have I been...

I have been doing a lot of advice post recently and I really enjoy them but I think now is a great time to do more of a personal blog.

I want to start out by saying thank you to all who have reached out and shown your support for what I am trying to accomplish here, and for voicing concerns about how I have been holding up.

Now let me be honest with you...  I have had my share of good days and bad days and that is to be expected.  Some days I get up and I am ready to take on the world, while other days it is hard to find the strength to get up at all.  For the most part I am doing alright given my situation.

As some of you may already know I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder not long after finding out I was HIV positive.  Yes I do believe finding out I HIV positive contributed to this.  Just like with the HIV I do not let these other problem control me or how I live my life.  I am on medication and seeing a councelor to help keep everything in check so nothing to worry about.

If I post a blog that is kind of depressing or down, it is not because I am always depressed.  Most of the time it is as simple as I had something on my mind and I wanted to share it.

So to sum it up and answer the inital question.
     Mentally I am doing alright. Actually I am doing better than I have in a long time but I still have my moments where I want to throw a pitty party for myself and that only last a short while. I get up, pull my big boy pants up and try to do something constructive.
     Physically I am back in the gym and have dropped close to 30lbs since I started a vegitarian diet.  I feel great on it.  My joints are starting to ache on a regular basis and I know that could be caused from the virus making them swell and I have plans on talking to my ID Doctor about it at my next appointment.

So see nothing to worry about, I will continue to be strong and push forward.

When is the right time?

*Sorry about all the post today just had some things I wanted to get out there.

When is it the right time to tell someone about your HIV status?

This goes alittle into my previous post about being honest about you HIV status but I just wanted to expand on it a bit more.  Now you already know my opinion on the matter on it, but here are some other ways I believe might work the best.

You have have to decide for you what works best for you and the situation you are in.

First things first PLEASE makesure that you tell your potential partner before anything serious happens.  It is just not worth risking the legal ramifications that it could lead to, or or risk hurting someone else.

So if you are talking to a guy online, why dont you just open up and tell him then.  I find this easier than meeting in public or at their place and then risking those really awkward moments or even embarrassment.  If you tell them online and they dont want anything to do with you than you dont need them in your life to start with.

If you meet a guy at the club and you think things might have a chance of getting serious, pull him aside before it is time to leave and tell him.  This gives him a chance to allow the news to sink in, and for him to make his own decision.

Which ever way you choose to do it, remember it is their right to say no.  Dont try to push it on them because it just makes you look sad and desperate.

If a guy decides that after you tell him you are HIV positive, that he would still like the chance to get to know you better than that is great.  But for the both of you, if the relationship moves on to the next level ALWAYS use protection.  This is not just to help protect him but also you.  Isnt one STD bad enought?

In each situation you have to decide how and when it is the right moment to tell your potential partner.

I would love to hear back on when others think it is the best time to reveal your status to someone.

Open about your status?

I know I am doing multiple post today but I had a few different topics I wanted to discuss and did not want to make one long post that jumps from subject to subject.

How many of you are open and upfront about your HIV status when talking to someone?  Me for example, I have it listed online on certain sites so it is right there in the open for everyone to see.  I find that I personally would rather have it known from the beging than to start talking to someone and have to tell them as we are getting serious and risk them rejecting me because they are scared.  Now I respect everyones decisions and opinions about not wanting to date someone who is positive, but I just want it known from the begining so that it is already out in the open.

What I never understood are these guys who put in their profiles that they are negative but then I get a message and they tell me they are also positive.  In my opinion it is guys like that who are not honest and risk passing it on.  I get that they do it because of the bad rep that goes along with HIV but if you say you are negative and start talking to someone and then tell them that you are actually positive, they are more likely to want nothing to do with you cause you were lying from the begining.

This brings me to the people who put no status... When you have no status down people are automatically going to assume that you are positive and just to scared to admit it.

Personally I want to deal with someone who is upfront and honest about it from the begining.  If people would just be honest with eachother about their status than we could cut back on HIV transmission dramatically.  I mean I never slept with a guy who said he was HIV positive but look what happened, I still got it.  So if he would of just been honest about his status upfront then things might of turned out a little differently for me.

I dont want this to happen to anyone else like it did me so I am ALWAYS upfront and honest about my status before anything sexually happens.

Stigmas About HIV

I want to start out by saying I hope that everyone had a blessed Independence Day and remember it is not just a day of partying with friends.  Mine was great, spent it on the lake with great friends and having fun.  Well all except the part where I have to now replace my cell and Ipod cause they took a bath.

I want to know what kinds of stigmas everyone has had to face due to HIV.  are you like me and have found that it seems a lot harder to find a meaninful relationship?  Or have you noticed that once people find out abour your status that they become "scared" to even just talk to you, like they can catch it from a conversation.  Why are we concidered a taboo evenin our own community?

What can we do to help end this stigma aginst people who are living with HIV/AIDS?  It is through works of groups like The Stigma Project and other orginizations that we can help put a stop to this.

We as a community need to stand up and put faces to this disease so that everyone will realize we are just normal people trying to live a normal life.

Club

Last night was interesting to say the least.  I was talked into and agreed to go to Scorpios which is a gay club here in Charlotte.  You have to realize this is the first time I have been to the club since before I left San Diego.  All I have to say is I am not as young as I use to be.  It was $10 cover to get in and came with free house vodka drinks all night.  Yeah I had my fare share of free drinks and I was pretty drunk by the time we left at after 2am, and it has taken me most the day to recover from it.  I guess 27 is getting to old to be going out and acting like a 21 year old.

The one thing that really got my attention last night besides the Drag Queens, was how the gay community as a whole is really promiscuous.  Guys who just meet at the club were already making out and dancing like they belonged behind closed doors.  I know I have been guilty of this in my past, but I guess as I get older I pay more attention to whats going on around me.

Dont get me wrong, I have no problem with having fun and letting loose sometimes, but it is  this type of behavior that gets people into situations like the one I am in.  When you go out getting drunk you are more likely to enguage in risky behavior with guys you dont know that well.  Just cause he may look cute in the bar dosnt mean it is alright to just go home with him and have unprotected sex.

Guys if you want to go out and have fun please just be smart about it.  It is only through being smart that we can put an end to HIV.

Follow up to "Let's talk about SEX"

I recieved these words from a reader and he gave me permission to post them and my response to them.


     "Loneliness takes hold when we feel disconnected. For example, when you are fighting a battle and no one has your 6, or going through a hardship and no one is there to hold you up, or you're lost and confused about your purpose in life with no one to guide your thoughts, or have no one to help you find a solution to a mindwracking problem, or, alas, no one to massage your tired muscles after a stressful day of work.
     So the question I'll pose to you is, does the act of sex truly satisfy that yearning for a connection? I see so many guys seek out casual, or more importantly, risky sex as a means to assuage that fretful feeling of loneliness. But to me, it's all farse as those encounters are just fleeting exchanges between parties who confuse animalistic powerplays, horniness and getting off with an intimate physical connection. Recently I've learned that human sexuality isn't intended to be animalistic. In fact, the most amazing and worthwhile sex I've had is when there is another dimension to the connection that's goes beyond just the physical attraction (or for some, just the physical action without even the attraction). Yes, human sexuality is physical in ved this message from a reader and he gave me promission to use them in a post."

I totally agree that when loneliness takes hold, or you are going through something we seek out some kind of human connection.  Even if that connection is purely physical and could be harmful, we are not thinking a out what could happen down the road, we are only thinking about here and now.  I think that while we think like that, things like HIV will keep spreading.

To answer your direct question. No, if it did we would not keep going back to it over and over again. Yes, it may work for a few brief moments but when it is over we feel empty again and in no time we are seeking out a new connection.  A relationship that is built on nothing but a physical connection never really satisfies our need for a true connection.  Most of us do not know what a true connection is with someone on more than one level.  We dont know how to connect to someone physically, emotionally and on many other levels so we settle for that few moments and will do whatever it takes to get them.  It is like a drug addict. They just keep going back to the same thing knowing that it is harmful and could kill them.

I hope this answered your question.  I know my thought process is kind of hard to follow and I am jumping around quit a bit.

  And please if anyone else wants to comment or leave me a message I welcome it.

Mortality

*This is just something that has been on my mind the past few days and I wanted to share it.

You know I never really thought about how or when I would die, I mean who really does while they are young?  When you are young you think you are invincible and that nothing will ever happen to you, but all to often something happens that makes you realize your mortality.  In my case this happened when I got my diagnosis.  It really woke me the fuck up from that haze I seemed to always be in.

At first I thought about death pretty much all the time.  I was depressed and confused.  I did not realize that I could still live a full, healthy, and active life if I just did what was needed to controle this.  As time passed I had time to adjust and became better educated about about HIV.  A good friend and mentor put it just right the other day, he said "it took you about two years to get back to normal."  He was exactly right, I no longer sit for hours and ponder my own demise.  I wont say that I never think about it anymore cause that would be a lie.

At some point we are all forced to face our own mortality, it is just as simple as that.  It is all about how you handle it.  Do not do like I did and sit around and let these types of thoughts consume you.  HIV may seem like the end of the world but it is not.

In some ways I believe that this "wake up call" was what I needed and has made me appreciate everyday a bit more.  I use to take the everyday for granted, but now I live it to its  fullest.

So when you are forced to face your own mortality remember dont let it take over.  Forget about it, when the time comes it will come. We can not do anything about it, so what is the point in worrying about it?

The ArcHIVe Project

Just wanted to give a shout out to The ArcHIVe Project.  I have been in contact with them there about sharing my story.  I am getting it typed up now so I can submit it to them for editing and publication.  They seem to be a really good organization that is meant to help spread the word about HIV care and prevention. They are based out of San Diego, California.  Please check out their website at http://www.thearchiveproject.org/ to learn more about them.  Also if you have time take the survey, it is completely anonymous and you do not have to share any personal information.

There are so many great organizations out there that are trying to help spread the word about HIV, I encourage everyone to please get involved with one of them.  This disease effects us all and we all need to step up and put a stop to it.

Back and Forth

Been playing phone tag with my doctor for the past few weeks trying to get my actual numbers from my last lab test.  I just have one thing to say... WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET AHOLD OF THE DOCTOR??? He did leave me a message and said my numbers looked the same and that I am still doing good, but I want the actual numbers.  He could not go into detail on the message due to HIPPA Laws and I understand that, but at least he could give me his direct number and not send me to the reception desk.

Does anyone else have the problem of getting ahold of their doctor especially if they are with the VA?  I guess I can not complain because I have gotten some great care through the VA since I started seeing them back in 2011.

I know this one is short but I just wanted to give everyone an update as to why I have not posted anything new in awhile.  I do have some ideas that I am working on for some longer more in-dept post, just trying to get all my thoughts down and worded right.

About Meds

For those of you who have been reading, hou know I am not on meds yet due to my numbers being as good as they are.

I would like to know what everyones opinion is to me going ahead and starting now even if I dont have to, or waiting till I actually need to.  I am not sure what has been holding me back. The part of raking a pill everyday does not bother me but the difference is with those pills I can miss a dose or two, or even get off them completly if I wanted to.  I think I am procrastonating just for the simple fack that once I start I am committed to it for the rest of my life.  It has been a pretty big topic on my mind for awhile now and I would sure love to hear some feed back.

Also if it is not to personal could you comment with what meds they have you are and how they work for you?

Maybe it is just me...

Does anyone else get a little offended when someome makes a joke about getting "the hiv"???

I understand that not all people know but when it is friends who know your status, I find it distacefil.  I would really like to hear back from what other people feel like when a friend makes a joke about "the hiv".  In my opinion it is no different than a a White guy calling a Black guy by the N-word.  I  am guilty of making jokes at my own expence but that is more due to the fact that if I cant joke about it sometimes then I would keep it bottle up and that would not be good at all.  I know for a fact they ment no harm in it and they probanly totally forgot about my status because we dont talk about it very oftens just because I dont want a pitty parry.

I think I have posted this before but it is such good advice I am going to share it again... One of my mentors right after I was diagnoised told me "Brian you are going to have up days and down days, right now it will seem like you will be having more bad days than anything.  There is nothing wrong with spending a day having a pitty party, but as soon as it is over get up and force yourself to stay busy.

So tonight I am having my pitty party in bed, but when I wake up in the morning it is a new day and I will leave my worries far behind.  There is nothing wronge whats so ever to feel this way just as long as you recognize it and you can push through it.

Just take the time to watch this video.  I know it is a bout a break up but I can relate to it on a whole nother levesl, and I am sure more than one else of you can as well.

I heard this song for the first time on the radio tonight And it pulled at a heart-string.

Remember when you are done feeling sorry for yourself get the fuck up and make yourself do something.  I do anything I want and do not let this diagnosis rule my life or restrict what I can or can not do.

lab work yesterday

So I went for my 3 month lab work yesterday plus my mental heath appointment.

Went into the office to have labs drawn and it was totally bad.  She pokes me and after a few minutes I start feeling light headed as hell.  They ended up having to call the rapid rspose team because my blood pressure dropped to 99/63.  I had not eaten anything all day cause they usually tell me to "fast" before labs and that wasnt a smart idea. I neded up being fine after a few minutes, so nothing to worru about.

With my Mental Health Appointment... My Doctor put me on Adivan and I am suppose to take it twice a day a needed.  Only problem is ifni take it like that than I wouldnt be able to finchtion.

Anyone on drugs like this and what works best for you?

Let's Talk About SEX...

     I know we have all heard about safe sex practices and how being safe can reduce our own risk of contracting HIV or any other STD. Why then do so many young gay men decide to ignore what we know is right?
     Is it due to the influence of alcohol or other mind altering drugs?  Possibly...
     Is it due to the fact that we feel that unprotected sex is more intimate and brings us         closer together?  Possibly...
     Is it because we think it could never happen to us?  Probably...
     I think it is more of the fact that we as a community are just being stupid and are thinking with the wrong "head".
   
     I find it astonishing that studies show that more than 1/3 of HIV-Positive gay men have had unprotected anal intercourse in the past 6 months.  I know I am guilty of this as well, but what the hell is wrong with us?  Did we not learn our lesson already? This type of behavior is what got us in this spot in the first place.
   
     I think I might be able to shead some light on the subject.  Now this is strictly my personal opinions and why I think I have been known to engage in this risky behavior.
     I think most HIV-Positive men continue to have unprotected sex because they do not care anymore.  They feel as if they already have HIV, so what could be worse, or what else do they have to loose.  They dont realize or either care how dangerous catching another STD could be to their already weakened immune system.  This is stupid and the wrong mentality to have about the situation.  As for me personally, I think it is more of the need to feel close to someone even for a brief moment and even if it means nothing more than just sex.  I think the longing for another humans touch and to feel close to someone overrides all logical thought.  This too is the wrong mentality to have and on top of that is just stupid as hell.

     We all know what is right, and also what is harmful and dangerous. So why must we risk further harming our bodies for just a few brief moments of intimacy?
     I get lonely and get the need to feel the touch of anothers embrace just like anyone else, but that dosn't mean I have to be stupid about how I do it.  Sex is great and I love it, but even I have to start being smarter. We as a community have to start being smarter.  This risky behavior HAS to stop, and for that to happen it starts with us.

***This is just another interesting fact. A study taken of 18 to 27 year old gay and bi men shows that 51% of men with boyfriends had engaged in unprotected anal intercourse in the past 2 months compaired to 21% of single men who had engaged in the same type of behavior.  Also 42% did not know their own or their partners HIV status.  Not knowing your own status or the status of any partners is stupid and extremely dangerous.  If you have had unprotected sex even once since the last time you were tested you could be at risk of not only being infected but also infecting someone else.  So please KNOW YOUR STATUS, GET TESTED!!!

About time to really introduce myself.

I know I have been keeping this blog for the past 3+ years and I have for the most part kept my identity private and that was all for good reason.  When I was first diagnosed I was still in the military as you know and at the time DADT was still in effect so I did not want it getting out who I was and it getting back to the military.

So here it is... My name is Brian Ledford, I am 27 years old and born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina.  I have never lived out of North Carolina except for my time in the military.  I would say I am a southern boy by heart mixed with a little bit of pretty boy (all in a good way).  I am still not out to most of my family just for the simple reason I want to do it when I have found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I graduated from high school in 2004 and then started college at Western Carolina University.  I kind of liked to party too much and let my grades slip, so I was polity asked to leave after spring semester in 2005.  I moved back to Charlotte and started attending Central Piedmont Community College and after awhile I decided that college just wasn't right for me at that point in my life.  In 2007 I signed up to join the Marines and was shipped to Boot Camp in Jan 2008. (Not going to get into a lot of my military past in this post because most of what you need to know about me is already in the blog.)  My MOS was 0651 (yes I am a computer nerd) and was stationed at MCAS Miramar in San Diego, CA.  I was Honorably Discharged in July 2011 with a Medical Retirement.

After my discharged I moved back to Charlotte to be closer to my family and friends who have been my support group through all this.  I am currently enrolled at Gaston College and studying Information Security Technologies. I am finally at the point where college is what I want to do, so I am spending more of my time studying and much less time partying.  I guess that comes with getting older.  I am still not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life but hey I still have plenty of time to figure it out.  I am not employed right now just for the simple fact that I am not sure what I want to do.  I need to find some kind of part time job for the summer just so I am not sitting around so much doing nothing.  ***If anyone knows of anything please let me know***

Well now you know a little more about me and hope it helps to be able to relate with my story.

 This is me while I was in the Marines.

This is me at one of my best friends weddings.

New Look!!!

Hope y'all are excited about the new look.  I decided to update the look of the page so it would look more professional.  I have full intentions of getting my page out there so more people can see it and so I can share my story with more people.  It is all worth it if anything I post here even helps one person to either keep from making the same mistakes I have, or someone who has just started their journey and is newly diagnosed.  I would love to start getting some more interaction on the page and maybe even some discussions (if everyone can play nice).  So PLEASE SHARE my blog so I can get some more followers lol.

Oh yeah tomorrow is more labs at the VA here in Charlotte.  I have to go for labs and for a Mental Health Appointment.  Shouldn't find out the results from these labs for at-least 2 weeks, and my doctor told me he would call me as soon as they all come in.  So would appreciate some prayers that everything is still looking good.

P.S: if you can think of anything I could do to make the page better or would like to see me post about something, please just leave me a comment.

Great Night

Kind of off subject but I had a great night tonight.

Went out to a few bars in the area with 2 friends who are a couple and both also poz.  It is so nice to hang out with other guys who are poz but also normal.  Most guys who are HIV+ are usually just looking for sex and that is not always cool.  I enjoy being able to hang out with guys who can relate with what I am going through and who are also not just wanting to get in my pants... Now dont get me wrong, what is in my pants is great and I mean "GREAT" but I am not giving to everyone who wants it, that is what got me in this spot to begin with.

I mean it is so nice to be able to talk openly between us about things.  You do not find may guys in the south who are like that.

Now it is time to watch some more Toonami on Adult Swim. Yes I am aware that I am a nerd.

Long day

As you know I had my 3 month appointment today with the ID Doc. Everything is still alright and my number look decent (according to the doc). I personally am not very happy with them. My CD4 is at 737 and 31%, while my viral load continues to go down and is at 14, 322.  Now these numbers were taken back in Feburary so who know what they are now.  I have an appointment again on Tuesday to get labs done again, so keeping fingers crossed that CD4 is back up again.  This is the lowest it has ever been but I guess it is still not that bad for 3+ years and no meds. Also the precentage still looks pretty good so nothing to be worried about yet.

On to the meds... My doctor and I discussed starting on Stribild today because we both feel that it is the best choice for me.  We decided to hold off a little while longer to see if we can get my liver enzymes back in check.  They were still a little elivated and we are not really sure of the cause.  So we dont want to add a new med that is metabolized by the liver till we figure it out.  He said the only reason we would need to start them anyway is if my new lab results show that I need to start.

I also recieved the new pneumonia vaccine today.  It seems like every time I go up there they want to stick me with something else.  And you would think that a person with multiple tattoos and piercings would not have a problem with shots but I still can not watch them.

So this is pretty much all that is new and was discussed today. Well almost all that was discussed, they still keep trying to push an anal pap smear on me but I just have a hard time letting someone I hardly know do something like that. Call me prudish but I just dont feel comfortable with that. Maybe once I have established a better relationship with my doctor I will think about it.

Now it is time for me to get my beauty sleep cause I have to be up early to go yardsalen'.

Wish Me Luck

Kind of nervous right now to be honest. I am going to the VA Clinic tomorrow  (well actually later today).  Not really sure if I am ready yet but I am going to finally talk to my doctor about starting meds.  I want to hear what my last labs were first before I make my decision and I have to make sure I am ready to commit to taking a pill everyday for the rest of my life.

For me this is a pretty big step because I have a hard time commiting to much of anything.  We have talked some about it in the past and both agree that Stribild ismprobably the best drug to start me off on and see how I do with it.

On the other end of the spectrum I kind of want to wait for as long as possible to start meds just to see how long my body can last. It has been over 3 years and I a, still going strong.  Amajor plus is that if I do go ahead and start meds now and get my viral load to undetectable than tjere is less of a chance of passing it on if an accident happens.

So see aa lot of things to think about...

I will post an update tomorrow after my appointment.

Funny thing is...

I was asked today how being HIV positive has changed my social life. I find it funny that I was asked that today after just making a blog post that touched on the same exact thing just this week.  It is such a tough question to truly answer because there are so many aspects of my life that has changed since I found out I was positive. So to truly be able to pinpoint the exact things that have changed due to my status is nearly impossible.  I was also given some very good advice today from the same person who asked me the first question that I just felt like I needed to share.

"You know what's funny? Hope. Sometimes having hope is necessary to move on and other times not having hope is liberating. Unfortunately, for people like us - we have to live with the wrong end of hope."

Yes I know that can sound alittle depressing when you think about having no hope but sometimes it is just nice to live for today and not worry about what tomorrow brings for life always has a way of working out.

I do still have hope that one day I will find my soul mate, someone to grow old with, who will always love me for me even with my faults and baggage.  But at the same time I am not spending every day out looking for that one special person, because if I spend all my time and energy hunting something I dont have then I will never get to fully enjoy the gifts that I am blessed with.

So my last words of wisdom for the day are "Stay strong, and live each day as it is your last. Have no regrets and keep pushing forward even when it seems impossible."

Stereotypes in the South

Everyone thinks of the south as back woods, closed minded, and stuck in the past and I hate to say it but for the most part they are right when it comes to HIV.  Even in the gay community we are shunned and shut out.  You would think that being gay and knowing what it is like to be concidered a outcast of society, that they would be slower to judge someone and push them out.  I find it very interesting that when a guy finds out I am HIV+ they suddenly cant talk to me anymore because I might infect them through casual conversation or some shit like that.  In the south it is hard enough being gay but being gay and HIV+  is almost unbearable.

I have pretty much become a recluse, I dont go out except with a select few friends.  What is the point of going to the bar or on a date and attempt to get to know someone for them just to drop you and act like you dont exist when they find out about your status.  Pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as I stay here I am going to be alone. So the delima is do I move to a place when it is more excepted and leave my home, family, and friends or do I stay knowing that I will probably always be alone?

What to do?  I love the south and I am a good ol'southern boy but damn these people are so  close minded.

I am going to call it a night cause I killed it in the gym today.

I will keep posting updates if people let me know they are reading them and interested. I have very interested to hear some of the stereotypes others have experienced due to HIV.

Been to long...

Wow it really has been a very long time since I have done an update in this thing. I am so sorry.

Well to chatch up with what has been going on.  In August of 2011 I was honorably discharged from the Marines.  I have moved from San Diego back to the east coast.  I was actually medically retired so now I am recieving all my medical treatment through the VA.  Adjusting to civilian life has been kind of hard because of all the freedom that you dont get while serving in the military.  I have enrolled in school and about to finish my 3rd semester. I am majoring in Information Security Technology.  I figured why not since I worked on computers while in the Marines and it is something I really enjoy doing.

On to more about how it has been with my HIV... To be honest not much has changed.  I am still not on meds because my CD4 count has been staying between 950 and 1135 (which I have been told is pretty good for going on over 3 years now).  My viral load has been jumping around some.  It got up to 33, 000 but it has been droping back down on its own.  I think last I had it checked it was around 18, 000 or so.  I have been thinking about going ahead and just starting meds but I keep putting it off.  I plan on starting on the new quad drug Stribild when I do finally decide to start.  Another reason my doctor and I have been putting it off is because I have been having elivated liver eenzymes.  Had to have a liver biopsy back earlier this year.  It pretty much showed that I have fatty tissue in my liver and was told I really need to loose some weight.

I have gotten pretty heavy. When I graduated from Boot Camp I weight a wopping 135lbs and by the time I got out of the Marines I was at 200lbs (yeah I know that is FAT when you are as short as I am).  I have been dieting, I have cut out all meat and most junk food and almost all of my sodas.  I am also back in the gym just about everyday doing some hardcore workouts.  I have done good so far, in the past 2 months I have droped about 22lbs, so I am pretty happy but still have a very long way to go.  I also am starting to do some 5k races, I have one coming up this Sunday and kind of excited about it.

Well that is about enough for this post because if most of you are like me you dont like to read long post.