lab work yesterday

So I went for my 3 month lab work yesterday plus my mental heath appointment.

Went into the office to have labs drawn and it was totally bad.  She pokes me and after a few minutes I start feeling light headed as hell.  They ended up having to call the rapid rspose team because my blood pressure dropped to 99/63.  I had not eaten anything all day cause they usually tell me to "fast" before labs and that wasnt a smart idea. I neded up being fine after a few minutes, so nothing to worru about.

With my Mental Health Appointment... My Doctor put me on Adivan and I am suppose to take it twice a day a needed.  Only problem is ifni take it like that than I wouldnt be able to finchtion.

Anyone on drugs like this and what works best for you?

Let's Talk About SEX...

     I know we have all heard about safe sex practices and how being safe can reduce our own risk of contracting HIV or any other STD. Why then do so many young gay men decide to ignore what we know is right?
     Is it due to the influence of alcohol or other mind altering drugs?  Possibly...
     Is it due to the fact that we feel that unprotected sex is more intimate and brings us         closer together?  Possibly...
     Is it because we think it could never happen to us?  Probably...
     I think it is more of the fact that we as a community are just being stupid and are thinking with the wrong "head".
   
     I find it astonishing that studies show that more than 1/3 of HIV-Positive gay men have had unprotected anal intercourse in the past 6 months.  I know I am guilty of this as well, but what the hell is wrong with us?  Did we not learn our lesson already? This type of behavior is what got us in this spot in the first place.
   
     I think I might be able to shead some light on the subject.  Now this is strictly my personal opinions and why I think I have been known to engage in this risky behavior.
     I think most HIV-Positive men continue to have unprotected sex because they do not care anymore.  They feel as if they already have HIV, so what could be worse, or what else do they have to loose.  They dont realize or either care how dangerous catching another STD could be to their already weakened immune system.  This is stupid and the wrong mentality to have about the situation.  As for me personally, I think it is more of the need to feel close to someone even for a brief moment and even if it means nothing more than just sex.  I think the longing for another humans touch and to feel close to someone overrides all logical thought.  This too is the wrong mentality to have and on top of that is just stupid as hell.

     We all know what is right, and also what is harmful and dangerous. So why must we risk further harming our bodies for just a few brief moments of intimacy?
     I get lonely and get the need to feel the touch of anothers embrace just like anyone else, but that dosn't mean I have to be stupid about how I do it.  Sex is great and I love it, but even I have to start being smarter. We as a community have to start being smarter.  This risky behavior HAS to stop, and for that to happen it starts with us.

***This is just another interesting fact. A study taken of 18 to 27 year old gay and bi men shows that 51% of men with boyfriends had engaged in unprotected anal intercourse in the past 2 months compaired to 21% of single men who had engaged in the same type of behavior.  Also 42% did not know their own or their partners HIV status.  Not knowing your own status or the status of any partners is stupid and extremely dangerous.  If you have had unprotected sex even once since the last time you were tested you could be at risk of not only being infected but also infecting someone else.  So please KNOW YOUR STATUS, GET TESTED!!!

About time to really introduce myself.

I know I have been keeping this blog for the past 3+ years and I have for the most part kept my identity private and that was all for good reason.  When I was first diagnosed I was still in the military as you know and at the time DADT was still in effect so I did not want it getting out who I was and it getting back to the military.

So here it is... My name is Brian Ledford, I am 27 years old and born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina.  I have never lived out of North Carolina except for my time in the military.  I would say I am a southern boy by heart mixed with a little bit of pretty boy (all in a good way).  I am still not out to most of my family just for the simple reason I want to do it when I have found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I graduated from high school in 2004 and then started college at Western Carolina University.  I kind of liked to party too much and let my grades slip, so I was polity asked to leave after spring semester in 2005.  I moved back to Charlotte and started attending Central Piedmont Community College and after awhile I decided that college just wasn't right for me at that point in my life.  In 2007 I signed up to join the Marines and was shipped to Boot Camp in Jan 2008. (Not going to get into a lot of my military past in this post because most of what you need to know about me is already in the blog.)  My MOS was 0651 (yes I am a computer nerd) and was stationed at MCAS Miramar in San Diego, CA.  I was Honorably Discharged in July 2011 with a Medical Retirement.

After my discharged I moved back to Charlotte to be closer to my family and friends who have been my support group through all this.  I am currently enrolled at Gaston College and studying Information Security Technologies. I am finally at the point where college is what I want to do, so I am spending more of my time studying and much less time partying.  I guess that comes with getting older.  I am still not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life but hey I still have plenty of time to figure it out.  I am not employed right now just for the simple fact that I am not sure what I want to do.  I need to find some kind of part time job for the summer just so I am not sitting around so much doing nothing.  ***If anyone knows of anything please let me know***

Well now you know a little more about me and hope it helps to be able to relate with my story.

 This is me while I was in the Marines.

This is me at one of my best friends weddings.

New Look!!!

Hope y'all are excited about the new look.  I decided to update the look of the page so it would look more professional.  I have full intentions of getting my page out there so more people can see it and so I can share my story with more people.  It is all worth it if anything I post here even helps one person to either keep from making the same mistakes I have, or someone who has just started their journey and is newly diagnosed.  I would love to start getting some more interaction on the page and maybe even some discussions (if everyone can play nice).  So PLEASE SHARE my blog so I can get some more followers lol.

Oh yeah tomorrow is more labs at the VA here in Charlotte.  I have to go for labs and for a Mental Health Appointment.  Shouldn't find out the results from these labs for at-least 2 weeks, and my doctor told me he would call me as soon as they all come in.  So would appreciate some prayers that everything is still looking good.

P.S: if you can think of anything I could do to make the page better or would like to see me post about something, please just leave me a comment.

Great Night

Kind of off subject but I had a great night tonight.

Went out to a few bars in the area with 2 friends who are a couple and both also poz.  It is so nice to hang out with other guys who are poz but also normal.  Most guys who are HIV+ are usually just looking for sex and that is not always cool.  I enjoy being able to hang out with guys who can relate with what I am going through and who are also not just wanting to get in my pants... Now dont get me wrong, what is in my pants is great and I mean "GREAT" but I am not giving to everyone who wants it, that is what got me in this spot to begin with.

I mean it is so nice to be able to talk openly between us about things.  You do not find may guys in the south who are like that.

Now it is time to watch some more Toonami on Adult Swim. Yes I am aware that I am a nerd.

Long day

As you know I had my 3 month appointment today with the ID Doc. Everything is still alright and my number look decent (according to the doc). I personally am not very happy with them. My CD4 is at 737 and 31%, while my viral load continues to go down and is at 14, 322.  Now these numbers were taken back in Feburary so who know what they are now.  I have an appointment again on Tuesday to get labs done again, so keeping fingers crossed that CD4 is back up again.  This is the lowest it has ever been but I guess it is still not that bad for 3+ years and no meds. Also the precentage still looks pretty good so nothing to be worried about yet.

On to the meds... My doctor and I discussed starting on Stribild today because we both feel that it is the best choice for me.  We decided to hold off a little while longer to see if we can get my liver enzymes back in check.  They were still a little elivated and we are not really sure of the cause.  So we dont want to add a new med that is metabolized by the liver till we figure it out.  He said the only reason we would need to start them anyway is if my new lab results show that I need to start.

I also recieved the new pneumonia vaccine today.  It seems like every time I go up there they want to stick me with something else.  And you would think that a person with multiple tattoos and piercings would not have a problem with shots but I still can not watch them.

So this is pretty much all that is new and was discussed today. Well almost all that was discussed, they still keep trying to push an anal pap smear on me but I just have a hard time letting someone I hardly know do something like that. Call me prudish but I just dont feel comfortable with that. Maybe once I have established a better relationship with my doctor I will think about it.

Now it is time for me to get my beauty sleep cause I have to be up early to go yardsalen'.

Wish Me Luck

Kind of nervous right now to be honest. I am going to the VA Clinic tomorrow  (well actually later today).  Not really sure if I am ready yet but I am going to finally talk to my doctor about starting meds.  I want to hear what my last labs were first before I make my decision and I have to make sure I am ready to commit to taking a pill everyday for the rest of my life.

For me this is a pretty big step because I have a hard time commiting to much of anything.  We have talked some about it in the past and both agree that Stribild ismprobably the best drug to start me off on and see how I do with it.

On the other end of the spectrum I kind of want to wait for as long as possible to start meds just to see how long my body can last. It has been over 3 years and I a, still going strong.  Amajor plus is that if I do go ahead and start meds now and get my viral load to undetectable than tjere is less of a chance of passing it on if an accident happens.

So see aa lot of things to think about...

I will post an update tomorrow after my appointment.

Funny thing is...

I was asked today how being HIV positive has changed my social life. I find it funny that I was asked that today after just making a blog post that touched on the same exact thing just this week.  It is such a tough question to truly answer because there are so many aspects of my life that has changed since I found out I was positive. So to truly be able to pinpoint the exact things that have changed due to my status is nearly impossible.  I was also given some very good advice today from the same person who asked me the first question that I just felt like I needed to share.

"You know what's funny? Hope. Sometimes having hope is necessary to move on and other times not having hope is liberating. Unfortunately, for people like us - we have to live with the wrong end of hope."

Yes I know that can sound alittle depressing when you think about having no hope but sometimes it is just nice to live for today and not worry about what tomorrow brings for life always has a way of working out.

I do still have hope that one day I will find my soul mate, someone to grow old with, who will always love me for me even with my faults and baggage.  But at the same time I am not spending every day out looking for that one special person, because if I spend all my time and energy hunting something I dont have then I will never get to fully enjoy the gifts that I am blessed with.

So my last words of wisdom for the day are "Stay strong, and live each day as it is your last. Have no regrets and keep pushing forward even when it seems impossible."

Stereotypes in the South

Everyone thinks of the south as back woods, closed minded, and stuck in the past and I hate to say it but for the most part they are right when it comes to HIV.  Even in the gay community we are shunned and shut out.  You would think that being gay and knowing what it is like to be concidered a outcast of society, that they would be slower to judge someone and push them out.  I find it very interesting that when a guy finds out I am HIV+ they suddenly cant talk to me anymore because I might infect them through casual conversation or some shit like that.  In the south it is hard enough being gay but being gay and HIV+  is almost unbearable.

I have pretty much become a recluse, I dont go out except with a select few friends.  What is the point of going to the bar or on a date and attempt to get to know someone for them just to drop you and act like you dont exist when they find out about your status.  Pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as I stay here I am going to be alone. So the delima is do I move to a place when it is more excepted and leave my home, family, and friends or do I stay knowing that I will probably always be alone?

What to do?  I love the south and I am a good ol'southern boy but damn these people are so  close minded.

I am going to call it a night cause I killed it in the gym today.

I will keep posting updates if people let me know they are reading them and interested. I have very interested to hear some of the stereotypes others have experienced due to HIV.

Been to long...

Wow it really has been a very long time since I have done an update in this thing. I am so sorry.

Well to chatch up with what has been going on.  In August of 2011 I was honorably discharged from the Marines.  I have moved from San Diego back to the east coast.  I was actually medically retired so now I am recieving all my medical treatment through the VA.  Adjusting to civilian life has been kind of hard because of all the freedom that you dont get while serving in the military.  I have enrolled in school and about to finish my 3rd semester. I am majoring in Information Security Technology.  I figured why not since I worked on computers while in the Marines and it is something I really enjoy doing.

On to more about how it has been with my HIV... To be honest not much has changed.  I am still not on meds because my CD4 count has been staying between 950 and 1135 (which I have been told is pretty good for going on over 3 years now).  My viral load has been jumping around some.  It got up to 33, 000 but it has been droping back down on its own.  I think last I had it checked it was around 18, 000 or so.  I have been thinking about going ahead and just starting meds but I keep putting it off.  I plan on starting on the new quad drug Stribild when I do finally decide to start.  Another reason my doctor and I have been putting it off is because I have been having elivated liver eenzymes.  Had to have a liver biopsy back earlier this year.  It pretty much showed that I have fatty tissue in my liver and was told I really need to loose some weight.

I have gotten pretty heavy. When I graduated from Boot Camp I weight a wopping 135lbs and by the time I got out of the Marines I was at 200lbs (yeah I know that is FAT when you are as short as I am).  I have been dieting, I have cut out all meat and most junk food and almost all of my sodas.  I am also back in the gym just about everyday doing some hardcore workouts.  I have done good so far, in the past 2 months I have droped about 22lbs, so I am pretty happy but still have a very long way to go.  I also am starting to do some 5k races, I have one coming up this Sunday and kind of excited about it.

Well that is about enough for this post because if most of you are like me you dont like to read long post.